Who should I go to for spiritual direction? (links repaired)

Q: Dear Father John, I’m a new Catholic as of April, 2012. I received spiritual direction that was immensely helpful with a priest about four times, before I was received into the church. While in my first confession, that priest told me I needed ongoing spiritual direction for many specific reasons. He said I should contact the pastor because he, as an assistant pastor, could not guarantee meeting with me long term. I did meet with the pastor, who concurred with what the first priest said and also said he was leaving but I should let the next pastor know. I met the first priest a month later and he forgot everything he said before and was telling me that I couldn’t count on a parish priest for spiritual direction long term but I should contact a monastery to see if a monk or nun could help me. My RCIA sponsor contacted the Carmelites for me and they said they could not. He keeps saying now that priests aren’t available for long term spiritual guidance, but I read online that people have pastors and parish priests as spiritual directors for years. Anyway, I’m feeling very discouraged. He said I need ongoing support because I have a developmental disability that makes it hard for me to sort things out spiritually, and so I am often easy prey to darker influences. Also, I’m a serious and devoted student in contemplative prayer and wish to pursue a contemplative life in a related career (which is not also a religious vocation.) Is what he’s saying a personal rejection? Is what he’s saying even true? More importantly, my anxiety is building over not knowing who to trust for guidance right now. I do have a therapist who is Catholic and she is helpful with emotional issues I work through but she will not advise on moral/faith issues that come up and she says I need to talk to my priest.

A: Welcome home!!! As an adult convert to Catholicism myself, I am always deeply edified and encouraged when I hear of others the Lord has led down similar paths. I would encourage you during these first months as a new Catholic to keep meditating in your heart on St. Paul’s beautiful and powerful phrase: “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

Trust in God!

And that’s where I would like to begin answering your important question. In the midst of this difficulty, which is clearly a painful one, and in the midst of every difficulty that you will face along your journey to the Father’s house, remember that God is right beside you. He protects us from many, many difficulties, and the ones he permits us to face are, from his perspective, opportunities for growth. Be sure of that. Your struggle to find stable and dependable spiritual guidance is, in itself, a magnificent expression of your love for God and your hope in his grace. God will honor that, and he is pleased with that, and he is upholding you even as you continue your search. Even canonized saints (St. Margaret Mary, St. Faustina, St. Elizabeth of Hungary…) faced this difficulty, so you are in good company.

Before I offer my own answer to this important question, I want to request that our readers’ share their wisdom. I know that many of our readers have faced this same problem. Please comment on what has helped and hindered you in seeking to resolve it.

Priests as Spiritual Directors?

I would like to offer three suggestions. But first, a word about parish priests and spiritual direction. No ecclesiastical rule exists on this point. Each parish priest will offer or not offer spiritual direction as he sees fit, in accordance with his possibilities, training, and pastoral priorities. Quite often, parish priests decide not to offer ongoing spiritual direction. And this is very understandable. If a priest’s parish has 2,000 families, and 10 percent of those families asked for regular spiritual direction, the priest would have to spend 100 hours a month in this ministry alone! Parish priests juggle a mind-boggling amount of demands on their time. It helps to keep this in mind. Sometimes we can feel that we are being personally rejected when someone denies our request for spiritual direction, but we shouldn’t. So many other factors can be at work.

Ask

My first suggestion is to continue your prayer of petition. Keep asking God each day to grant you the guidance you need, and to give you a spiritual director, if it be his will. And trust that God will continue to guide you as you continue your search. He cares even more than you do about your growth in spiritual maturity, about your true, lasting happiness. If you continue to place your life in his hands, day after day, you will give his grace more and more space to work wonders in your soul.

Seek

Secondly, I would encourage you to read this earlier post, which gives a whole list of possible places and organizations where you may be able to find a spiritual director. This post may be useful too. So, as you continue to ask God to do his part, you should keep on doing your part – searching. Jesus affirmed, “Ask, and you shall receive!” But he also exhorted, “Seek, and you shall find; knock, and the door shall be opened to you” (Matthew 7:7). So keep asking, but also keep seeking and knocking. While you look, don’t be afraid to ask a priest for individual appointments when you feel that you really need some spiritual guidance. Even though many priests can’t commit to ongoing spiritual direction, most make themselves available to meet with people who have questions or particular struggles they need to speak about.

Keep Growing

Thirdly, what should you do in the meantime? Continue to grow in your prayer life, continue to frequent the sacraments, continue to seek to know, love, and imitate Christ in your daily life (above all, seeking his will), continue to form virtue and overcome vice, and continue to nourish your mind with good Catholic literature. You are doing all of those things already; keep doing them! Keep seeking to “draw closer to God” and “he will draw closer to you” (James 4:8). And while you do, remember the spiritual principle that frustration and discouragement never come from the Holy Spirit. If you are making a decent effort to do what you can to find solid and stable spiritual guidance and to follow Christ each day, God will guide you. Take confidence in that. Trust in him. This earlier post also has some insights regarding what to do “in the meantime.”

Help in Other Places

As a final thought, it may help you to keep your eyes open also for a spiritual mentor. A mentor is someone you can meet with to talk about your spiritual life, even if this person doesn’t have specific training as a spiritual director. If there is an older woman of faith in your parish, someone you respect, someone you can see that has achieved an attractive degree of spiritual maturity, feel free to invite her out to a cup of coffee, simply saying that you would like to get to know her better and talk to her about the faith. This kind of mentoring isn’t as formal or regular as spiritual direction, but it can do wonders. You may also find support and stimulation to spiritual growth by joining a women’s Bible study or faith-sharing group, or an adult faith-formation program. These kinds of activities allow you to surround yourself with people who share your desire to go deeper spiritually, and the leaders of these groups are often excellent mentors. Such fellowship and friendships can provide key support in dark times. RCIA shouldn’t be the end of your faith-journey, but only the beginning!

Can a friend be my spiritual director? Is anyone ever too old to be in spiritual direction?

Q: Dear Dan, I’ve been going to spiritual direction for several years with a good friend. At her suggestion I have recently begun seeing a Catholic counselor to deal with issues from my past which have made it difficult for me to progress spiritually, to trust God, etc. Actually she insisted that I must see a counselor if she was to remain my SD. I was heading this way anyway, however, I was stunned and hurt by the way she presented this to me.

One of the first things the counselor suggested was that perhaps I should find another spiritual director because we are so different in temperament and have had some problems in communication resulting in her feeling I’m resistant and me feeling misunderstood and misjudged. And then we both are frustrated. I strongly feel that God brought us together and I want to remain with my present SD as long as she is willing, because she understands many things about me and knows my strengths and weaknesses and background. And I’d like to try to improve the way we communicate and the way I react (which may improve anyway as I go through counseling and find ways to deal with my emotions).

I think my question is: can this work? (With God’s help and our good will I hope it can.) How does one know when to change spiritual directors? If you fail with one what are the chances of making progress with another, even if you should find one?

Are you ever too old to start spiritual direction? Ever too old to change? I’m in my sixties and feel older than that some days.

A: Dear friend, you are an inspiration! So many get stuck because they make some progress, become satisfied, and then complacent, and then, well, it usually doesn’t turn out so well. In the book of Revelation (3:16) the Lord warns that the lukewarm will be spit out of his mouth. So, to answer the age question first, you are never too old to start, never too old to fight, never too old to love and be loved, never to old to make spiritual progress, never too old to be absent of sin, imperfection, and blind spots, and thus never too old for spiritual direction. In fact, you are closer to the Lord than ever (in time), it is even more important to do your best to be prepared to meet him face to face.

Your counselor is probably right. Your experience is the reason why I recommend that spiritual direction come outside of the context of a friendship. As an aside, I have no doubt that God has brought you together – but probably for a different reason than you might think. Here are a few more specific examples of the problematic nature of these relationships (these are generally true but not always true and may not all apply to your situation):

• The nature of friendship lends itself to emotional attachments. How do you know when you have gone beyond healthy inter-dependence into the realm of attachment? The best indication is when emotions regularly begin to hinder progress in communication. Healthy director/directee relationships have an element of detachment that helps the director see and diagnosis without the emotional clouding that can be present in a friendship (more about this in a minute).
• Healthy friendships, by their nature, are encouraging. They focus on the up-side of each person. This means that confrontation is not a frequent element. I am not arguing that this should be true, but that it is most often true. So, when friends shift into spiritual direction relationships, the director, by the nature of their role, rightly begins to judge (make assessments) and suggest changes (provide direction) and these then trigger emotions in the directee and the relationship begins to feel less safe than it was before. This is very difficult to overcome.
• When a director is a friend, we are more likely to be attached to the need for them to have a positive perception of us. Thus, when they make assessments, we feel judged (in the negative sense) and will likely begin to quibble about the minute errors in their assessment. This is usually not received well by the director in this case. This reaction comes out of pride and vanity and the concomitant need for approval (sometimes from both sides of the relationship).
• Blind spots and delusion are what they are because we don’t see them – we cannot see them on our own. This often is true because of our familiarity with them. Have you taken a close look at your car lately? Walk around it. Take note of each nick, dent, or other flaw. Why don’t you see those every day? This is because they have become “normal” to you. The flaws are there, but daily exposure minimizes our awareness (unless, of course, we are obsessive about such things). Spiritual flaws disappear because we see them every day and they are thus normal to us. The same can happen with friends. If we have defects or attachments that don’t annoy our friends, then they will disappear to them, and thus they will be unable to help us overcome them. Even worse is when they share the same sin or defect and thereby encourage our own sin and weakness. This is common with the sin of gossip. Our blind spots become theirs because they are so close to us, or so much like us, or regularly participate in the sin or dysfunction with us.

All that said, spiritual friendships are very powerful and important. I suspect that you and your friend can rekindle a beneficial spiritual friendship once you take a break for a while. You can do this by taking up a spiritual reading and discussion program with them.

Though my limited exposure to your situation could yield misdiagnosis, I think that your question reveals, clearly enough, that this relationship has too many distracting elements for it to be a healthy spiritual direction relationship. It is time to make a change. The good news is that God has revealed many things to you in the challenges of this situation. It would be good for you to make note of them and begin to step back and evaluate them from a distance. My instinct is that the insights you gain from this exercise will provide the seeds of your future growth in Him.

PS: I have a book coming out later this year that defines what a spiritual direction relationship should and should not look like. You can learn more here by going to www.NavigatingTheInteriorLife.com

Should I ask my spiritual director (a priest) to also be my confessor?

Q: Dear Becky, I have a question for you. I have a priest spiritual director that I usually travel more than an hour to see every month. I go to confession weekly and am wondering if it would be best to see the same priest for confession for continuity, etc. Before my spiritual director relocated, I most often saw him for confession because it worked out that way, and, I believe it was God who arranged it that way. Would it be appropriate to ask my spiritual director to also provide confession when we meet?

A: The fact that you are receiving the sacrament of reconciliation weekly, and are traveling a good distance to see your spiritual director each month shows that you are serious about becoming holy.  Keep up the good work!

The short answer to your question is that it can’t hurt to ask.  We need to be considerate of our priests’ time, yet also remember that they became priests to help us to heaven.

Your concern for continuity shows that you understand the value of developing an ongoing relationship with your confessor, this is good.  And since we confess our sins, not to the priest, but to Jesus via the priest, receiving spiritual direction at this time is a very good idea.

Going to confession and receiving spiritual direction at the same time is a huge blessing.  There is special grace here because of the sacramental nature of confession, and it saves you from having to repeat or explain your struggles to your spiritual director when you see him each month.   If you have a good priest who can provide at the same time, both confession and sound spiritual direction, you are very blessed; this would be the optimal situation.

I can only assume from your question that the physical distance between you and your director has prevented you from seeing him more often.

That said, a few questions come to mind that you should discuss with your director.

First, does your spiritual director have the time/flexibility to see you more frequently?  If he does, do you have the means (time and cost of transportation), to make that trip more often? If not, you might want to alternate confession time (local for three weeks, then once a month with your priest/spiritual director).

Second, are you at a place where you can safely reduce the frequency of your confessions? If you are at a stage where you are not often tempted to mortal sin, it might be prudent to exchange frequent confessions for fewer that are more fruitful. You would, of course, still have the ability to make a confession with a local priest as needed.

That you believe God arranged for you to have this specific priest as your confessor is probably a reliable instinct.  If you think about it, having one person who sees the ‘whole’ of our spiritual life makes good sense. God knows what is best for us, and as we progress on the journey of the soul He may guide us to modify some practices in order to develop new ones.

Your spiritual director will be able to give you advice tailor made for your situation. Talk this over with him as appropriate matter for spiritual direction discussion.

An interview with Archbishop Naumann on Spiritual Direction and a New School For Spiritual Direction

I recently had the opportunity to interview with his Excellency Archbishop Naumann of the archdiocese of Kansas City, Kansas for Register Radio on an important work going on in his archdiocese to train spiritual mentors. Because of the time constraints of the show we had to cut it down quite a bit. Below you will find the content of the longer interview.

Archbishop Naumann has a deep commitment to the spiritual welfare of those under his care and has demonstrated that commitment through tangible and significant means of catechesis and formation that I hope inspires other diocese and laypeople to pursue the same. I have had the opportunity to review the content of a number of the courses provided by the School of Faith and I highly recommend them, particularly to those who believe they are called to provide spiritual direction. Here’s the transcript of the interview:

Archbishop Naumann, welcome to the program.

Thanks Dan, it is good to be with you.

Archbishop, Pope Benedict has consistently encouraged the faithful to pursue spiritual direction during his pontificate. On his recent visit to the Teresianum he went as far as to recommend it “not only to all those who wish to follow the Lord up close, but to every Christian who wishes to live responsibly his baptism, that is, the new life in Christ.” I have two questions related to the Pope’s comments. First, what exactly is spiritual direction, and second, why do you think the pope is so strongly recommending it to all Christians?

Spiritual direction is accessing a spiritual guide who can help you grow more rapidly in your spiritual life than you could on your own. It is going to someone who has training and expertise in guiding a person through the spiritual life, helping them see the opportunities for growth and holiness and then charting with them a plan to do that. It is really somebody that accompanies you on your spiritual journey and serves as a guide. Just like a personal trainer for your physical well-being can help you get in shape more quickly, so too a spiritual director is a trainer in the spiritual life.

Regarding the Pope’s recommendation of spiritual direction to all, I think the Holy Father has a pastors heart and he realizes that the aim of, the goal of the Church, is to help people draw close to Jesus and to grow in relationship to the Lord in holiness. And, for all of us, not just for priests, consecrated, or religious, spiritual direction can be a great help to anyone that is serious about really growing closer to the Lord and learning how to better pray and build a spiritual life.

It is interesting that the Pope says “not only to all those who wish to follow the Lord up close” which seems to be a reference to priests, consecrated, and religious, but really, this should be the desire of every Catholic – to follow the Lord up close. I think he is encouraging all Catholics to do what is prudent, what can help all Catholics get closer to Christ more quickly; and that would be to have a spiritual director, spiritual mentor, or guide in the spiritual life.

Around the time the Pope was speaking these words, a new school opened in your diocese for spiritual mentors – can you tell us about that? What was the impetus behind this effort?

I hope the impetus was the Holy Spirit, not necessarily a brain child of mine. But it developed because of the unique ways we have been blessed in the Archdiocese. We have a group that has really helped us with adult catechesis called the School of Faith. They originally began their efforts at the University of Kansas at the St. Lawrence Catholic Campus Center.  At that same center, some years ago, we were able to attract a new religious community called the Apostles of the Interior Life. They were a complement to this catechetical program because the program was opening people to the beauty of the truths of our faith and creating a desire for them to want to know the Lord more. The charism of the Apostles of the Interior Life is spiritual direction so we had these young people who were primed to pursue their spiritual development and then we were able to support them with spiritual directors.

Then, the School of Faith wanted to broaden their offerings beyond the St. Lawrence Center to reach more adults and I specifically asked them if they could help with the formation of our Catholic school teachers. As they did this, then we had a greater number of people looking for spiritual direction. Because we only had six of the members of the Apostles of the Interior Life, we were limited as to how many people we could support in spiritual direction.

I asked the Apostles if they would consider helping to train more spiritual directors in order to increase the availability of spiritual direction to meet the demand.

Their school opened in May?

Yes, they had their first gathering in May to start a two and half year process. Individuals come for an entire week for catechetical training, personal spiritual development, and the training in how they can help others that they would accompany in the spiritual life. Four times during the course of the year they will come together for a full week, in between these times there are online materials that they work through. The school doesn’t provide the full training that the Apostles of the Interior Life has for spiritual direction (they have graduate degrees from universities in Rome). Still we believe it will be enough to be able to provide sound mentoring to those who are trying to be able to grow in their spiritual lives.

I hear that the response has been great. How have people responded to the spiritual mentoring course offerings? Did the courses generate a lot of interest?

We were hoping we could get at least thirty people to launch the effort in order to make the economics of the school work. We were thrilled when we had over sixty come and we had to put a cap on the number of attendees.

Archbishop, in some informal research that I have done on the topic of spiritual direction and the interest out there I have had 6,000 people respond to a simple question, about their perspective on spiritual direction. Almost 2,000 responded that they are in a spiritual direction relationship. Over 4,000 indicated that they wished they were in a relationship or that they were yearning for a deeper relationship with Christ and wanted and understood that a director might help them to achieve that. Do you have any ideas or encouragement for people about how to find a spiritual director or mentor in other diocese?

That is a great question. The numbers don’t surprise me. As a pastor you hope that you can create a hunger in people to want this fullness, this abundant life that Jesus talks about that is really the fruit of a strong rich relationship with the Lord in prayer. For finding a spiritual director, I would encourage people first of all to start with their pastor to determine if he himself is willing and able to help depending on the size of their parish and his workload. Your pastor may also be aware of other resources. If there is a monastery in your area often times the monks or in the case of sisters, they may be equipped to do that. If there is a retreat center near you often times they will provide directed retreats and they might have a list of potential spiritual directors as well. These are some of the ways that I would encourage people begin looking. They could go to your website, your blog as well probably. [Archbishop was referring to my blog, Roman Catholic Spiritual Direction]

Thank you, that’s a good plug. I’ll have to add the information that they can find out more tips on how to do that [I created an index you can find here.]. It is a challenge sometimes to find a director. But we do understand that our priests are overloaded. Sometimes, is it not true that in confession we can ask our priests for practical advice can’t we?

Absolutely, I think that in most cases priests would welcome that. It is an advantage if you can have a spiritual director who also can be your confessor. This is a great blessing. Regular use of the sacrament of penance or reconciliation is one way that you can find a lot of good help and guidance.

Archbishop, thank you so much for joining us here on Register Radio. Thank you for what you are doing in the Archdiocese. It is a great encouragement to hear of the resources you are providing to train spiritual mentors. From what I hear as well, people can come to your school from outside of the state to get training?

Yes, about two-thirds of the participants are from our area and a third are from all over the country. We hope we can assist other dioceses in this way as well.

Archbishop as we close can you give us your priestly blessing?

May the blessing of God descend upon all of our listeners and remain with them forever. Amen

To find out more about faithful catechesis go to www.SchoolOfFaith.com. To learn more about the Apostles of the Interior Life click here.

Should I pay my spiritual director?

Q: I have found a spiritual director who is a Priest. I am so thankful for his direction and his time.  However, I don’t know how to repay him for the time he freely gives me each month.  It is awkward to offer him cash, so I haven’t.  I don’t want to insult him but I don’t want to leave him feeling unappreciated either.  I offer my prayers each day but I need to do more.  Do Priests that are spiritual directors usually get paid by each person or is this part of their ministry that they are paid for by their diocese?  It would be very uncomfortable but do I need to have this conversation with him?  Would a monetary gift every few months or yearly be acceptable?  What’s the norm or is there one?

A: This is great news! As well, your instinct is clearly reflective of God’s work in you. The normal response to the grace of God is the gratitude. Further good news is that at least part of the answer to your question is laid out very clearly for us in scripture.

St. Paul in his first letter to Timothy indicates that those who lead well, with respect to the souls in their care, are worthy of “double honor.”  This “honor” Paul speaks of is no less than material honor.  Yes, our priests and religious are often called to vows of poverty (diocesan priests are not required to take this vow).  However, this does not mean that they always have all that they need to live and carry out their work.  Lay people as well, who give of their time, often do so at the expense of career growth or other pursuits they might enjoy rather than spending their time serving us.  Regardless of where the money goes, our generosity is a reflection of the health of our souls and, for the health of our souls we should be particularly generous with anyone willing to invest their time in our spiritual well-being. With this foundation in place let’s break your question down into bite size pieces:

Should I pray for my spiritual director? Absolutely. In fact, since you have placed your soul in his care, it would be wise to make a significant commitment of prayer for him! A decade of the rosary for his intentions might be a great place to start.

It seems awkward to give him cash, how should I handle this? Write a check or put the cash in a sealed envelope. As you conclude your meeting and you are about to exit, simply hand him the envelope and say, “this is for you.” If the priest is a religious and you are worried about temptation regarding money and their vow of poverty, simply write the check out his congregation and deliver it to him in the same manner as described above.

Are priests paid by their diocese to give spiritual direction? I am not aware of any priest, religious, or layperson that gets paid by the diocese they operate in to give spiritual direction. Now, diocesan priests do get paid by their diocese to administer the sacraments and perform the duties of a pastor which certainly includes spiritual direction. However, in my opinion this is as much an issue of the soul of the directee as it is the need of director. Still, very few priests and religious are becoming wealthy from the work they do.

How much and how often should I give to my spiritual director? This depends on your means and the value of the service to you. Generosity can be reflected in giving very little if you have very little and giving a good deal if you have a great deal. I know of one instance where a woman received spiritual direction from a religious and decided to give a very large donation to her order. In the ordinary day to day world of spiritual direction  something in the realm of $25 to $75 per meeting is acceptable. If your means would have you on the lower end of the scale and you feel bad about it, simply write a note of appreciation and indicate that you are giving what you can and that you have committed a specific prayer offering each week for your director. If you have any particular training or capability you can offer in appreciation (like bookkeeping, or produce from farming etc.) then you can offer that instead of or on top of any small cash gift.

Finally, the greatest gift you can give your director is to give yourself to God in this process. Be attentive, write down what he asks you to do, follow up specifically, be on time, respect his time, listen, pray, and be holy.