Can someone be their own spiritual director? I have not been able to find a director… what should I do in the mean time?

Q: Father John, I haven’t been able to find a spiritual director yet (which is kind of frustrating). I am still looking, but what should I do in the meantime? Can someone be their own spiritual director?

A: This is a deeper question than you might think. First, continue to ask God to put you in touch with someone who can be your spiritual director. (If you haven’t read the post about how to find a spiritual director, you may find it helpful.) Judging by the surveys we have done on this blog, you are not alone. You can count on my prayers for this intention.

The second part of your question opens up some critical issues. Can someone be their own spiritual director? On the surface, the answer is obvious: of course not. The main point of spiritual direction is providing oneself with an objective point of view. As the old proverb puts it: no one is a good judge in their own case. When a quarterback is leading his team on the field, he can see a lot of what’s going on, but his coaches up in the box have a bird’s eye view of the whole field, and their input will usually mean the difference between victory and defeat. We all tend to favor our strong suits and ignore our weaknesses. This is true for musicians, athletes, actors… It’s a human thing. That’s why in all areas of expertise and growth, a good coach, instructor, or teacher is so necessary. They shed light on our blind-spots and encourage us to pay attention not only to what we want to work on, but to what we really need to work on. This objective point of view is all the more valuable because of the director’s larger share of wisdom and experience. In the 1981 Academy Award winning film, Chariots of Fire, based on a true story, the Olympic runner Harold Abrahams realizes that if he wants to win a medal, he can’t depend solely on his extraordinary natural talent and exemplary dedication. He has to find a coach. He does, and it pays off.

But there is another side to this issue. Even if we have a good spiritual director, that is no guarantee of spiritual growth. A medical doctor can prescribe a certain medicine to cure an ailment, but the patient then needs to take that medicine. A spiritual director can point out a path to greater spiritual maturity, but it’s up to each one of us to generously, perseveringly, and enthusiastically pursue that path. Spiritual direction is one of the tools the Holy Spirit uses to shape us into the saints he created us to be, but it’s only one of the tools, and its effectiveness depends primarily on our own sincerity, docility, and determination to seek an ever greater friendship with Christ.

So, if you are having trouble finding a spiritual director, you don’t need to worry about it. If you are making a reasonable effort to look for one, God will honor that, even if the search is a long one (God has his reasons). In the meantime, the Lord isn’t just twiddling his thumbs and checking his watch. Not at all! He is still the Lord, and he can direct you and guide you closer to his heart, if that’s what you really want. He offers us so many other means of spiritual growth – some might say too many! Here are a few questions you can ask yourself as you continue to pray for and seek a spiritual director:

• Are you going regularly (every 15 days is a good rule of thumb) to confession and preparing well for it?
• Is your Eucharistic life (frequent communion, Mass, and adoration) robust or anemic?
• Are you spending time daily in mental prayer?
• Are you reading good spiritual books (here’s a list just for those who have yet to find a director) and cultivating healthy friendships with other people who are also seeking to follow Christ more closely?
• Do you choose entertainment and relaxation activities that ennoble your soul instead of merely distracting your mind (good literature and art, contact with nature, rich music and intelligent films…)?
• Are you putting a respectable effort into finding ways to bring others closer to Christ, to build up your local Church?

All of these activities will build your friendship with Christ, and the Holy Spirit will speak to you and guide you as you pursue them, whether or not you have been able to find a good spiritual director or confessor.

So, in short, don’t give in to those feelings of frustration. They are a sign that you are eager to seek Christ, an eagerness that can come only from God. But they also may be a sign that you are a bit impatient, wanting God to go at your preferred pace, instead of patiently and trustingly following along at his (much wiser, even if more uncomfortable) pace.

Yours in Christ, Father John Bartunek, LC

PS from Dan: You can also find great tips for finding a spiritual director in our Spiritual Direction Index and in Father Thomas Dubay’s excellent book, “Seeking Spiritual Direction.”

Spiritual Direction Post and Series Index

Dear Friends,

To make it easier for you to find key posts on spiritual direction we have updated our Spiritual Direction Index page. As well, we have ordered the posts in a way in keeping with the flow of topics. Click here or go to the upper right hand corner of the site and click on “Spiritual Direction.”

Seek Him – Find Him – Follow Him,

Dan

Concern about seeking out and approaching a spiritual director? – Part I – Facing the challenge

Based on a good number of comments and poll responses over the past year, apprehension is a recurring obstacle to seeking spiritual direction. More than 500 of you have indicated that you desire, but are not yet in a spiritual direction relationship. All those who desire but do not yet have a spiritual director are in the same position – one of vulnerability. The following is an overview of common struggles and insights that you might find helpful in your quest:

• The area of our lives that is most important to us (our faith) is at a place where we obviously need help in order to grow. This can be a difficult and sensitive admission – especially for men.
• As committed Catholics, we typically hold priests in high esteem and struggle with the idea of encroaching on their already busy schedule.
• We are concerned that the relationship with the potential spiritual director remain positive and healthy (particularly if he is our parish priest).
• The process and nature of spiritual growth is an unknown. It is similar to heading into a fog – we are compelled to keep moving – but we don’t know what will come of our decision to continue forward.
• Some of us are worried about the orthodoxy of those who might be available to help us. We want competent guides and are worried that we might be led astray by those who are not faithful to the Church’s teachings and/or who are influenced by new-age or eastern spirituality.

Facing the Challenge

All of these, and many other factors make us hesitant to pursue spiritual direction. As well, St. Teresa of Avila clearly warns us that those seeking to deepen their spiritual lives will find a great many obstacles in their way. The enemy of our souls dreads nothing more than one who is fully immersed in Christ. We must be clear and resolute about our need for Christ and the critical assistance that spiritual direction provides us in knowing and following Him.

So, the first question is one of motivation. Are you ready to suffer whatever discomfort you may feel for the greater end of finding peace of soul and living life according to your ultimate purpose? If your answer to this question is, “yes,” then half the battle is already over. Be encouraged – you are unique in this world. God is calling you to Him, and you are listening. The rest is mere practicality and perspective. Here are a few basic ways to overcome these inhibiting emotions and issues:

Basic Steps in the Right Direction

1) Increase your knowledge and understanding of the spiritual direction process. Read the spiritual direction posts on this site and/or Father Dubay’s book and gain the vocabulary and perspective necessary to converse comfortably on the topic.

2) If you are concerned about the faithfulness or perspective of a particular priest, review the posts on this topic to better prepare you to deal with this difficulty.

3) Recognize that the care of souls, as with spiritual direction, is central to the call of a priest. Any good priest will be encouraged to discover and work with a soul committed to follow Christ.

4) Approach the spiritual director’s busy schedule with a practical respect.

In our next post we will talk specifically about how to approach getting the first meeting setup.

By the way, if I have missed any of the big items of concern or struggle on your list, or if there are others you would like to share, please do so in your comments on this post.

Seek Him – Find Him – Follow Him

Dan

How can I determine if a spiritual director is faithful to the church?

Q: Dear Father Joseph, I am hesitant to go to a local priest for spiritual direction because I am worried about his submission, or lack of submission to the Church. He is a good priest but he has made some confusing comments about abortion and a few political topics etc. Are there simple questions I can ask and a way to ask (that would not be offensive) to help me determine if a particular priest or lay person (a potential spiritual director) is faithful to the teachings of the Church? I don’t want to end up with spiritual mis-direction. This is all far too important to me.

A: Spiritual direction is a long standing tradition in the Church and an excellent means for growing in prayer life and in sanctity. Seeing our lives from an outside, objective source is a great way to know ourselves better so as to better ourselves more quickly and efficiently.

With that in mind, your question is a happy one because it shows the interest that you have in wanting to grow in your relationship with Christ. You are not satisfied with your present level and you are searching for a guide to help you to grow. I am sure that this desire comes from the Holy Spirit and will not go unrewarded.

The best recommendation that I can give you is one that St John of the Cross gives, and that is quoted in the Catechism of the Catholic Church in number 2690: “the person wishing to advance toward perfection should ‘take care into whose hands he entrusts himself, for as the master is, so will the disciple be, and as the father is so will be the son.’” In other words, look to put yourself into the hands of someone whom you admire for his personal sanctity and life of prayer.

In the formulation of your question, you hint at the fact that your priest may not be this person for you; you are hesitant and unsure about his doctrinal formation and preparation. This is not a good way to start a spiritual direction relationship. Perhaps the first thing you should do is get to know your priest better. Ask for an appointment to speak with him, or participate in a parish activity that allows you more contact with him. You will get to know another side of your priest that cannot be seen in a formal moment of preaching and that may dispel some of your worries (and hopefully not add to them).

When you finally do have that one on one meeting (that can be in or outside of confession), ask him about your problems and needs. Are his answers prayerful ones? Do they bring peace? Is there anything that doesn’t seem to chime with Catholic morals and doctrine? Does he recommend prayer and greater self discipline or self denial? Does he push you towards holiness? When you leave, do you feel challenged towards being more generous with Christ? I think that these are the types of questions you should have in mind regarding the holiness and preparation of that person that you have chosen as spiritual guide.

Lastly, in your question you mention that your priest has made some confusing comments regarding abortion and politics. St John of the Cross in the same aforementioned Catechism number also refers to learning, discretion and experience. Again, it would appear that you do not find these qualities in your priest. If you still think these are lacking after coming to know him better, it would be best to look for someone who corresponds more to your needs.

All Priests do not share the same gifts. Some are better at preaching than at direction of souls. Look for that priest in whom you most see the image of Jesus Christ. And pray for your priests – we all have a great need of growing in holiness so as to help our own souls and those in our care.

Yours in Christ, Father Joseph Burtka, LC

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Spiritual direction orientation – it takes time… and patience

Have you ever been in an unfamiliar area and stopped to ask a local for directions only to find that the well intended helper begins to rattle off street names, turns, and landmarks faster than you can blink? Why does this happen? It really is very simple. Our chosen helper is very familiar with the area. He or she is simply working at a pace that makes complete sense to them; though almost none to us. The challenge is that even if our helpers are extremely benevolent, we will rarely find one who will recognize the glazed over look in our eyes and slow down enough to really help us to get to our desired destination.

In spiritual direction we have the same problem for both the director and the directee – particularly when the relationship is new. My wife recently went to confession at a local parish. It is a good thing she has a sense of humor. The director’s advice after confession was that she “get her life in order and to start praying.” At this point in her life I can attest that she was praying at least forty-five minutes a day and well into a solid position in her spiritual journey. Why then did he give such poor advice? Simply put, he was moving too fast and did not take the time to really orient himself to her situation before he provided input.

Orientation takes time. For the director he or she needs to move slowly and prayerfully before offering feedback. However, the same is true for the directee. It is very important that the directee not expect the director to quickly get to the point and solve all their spiritual challenges in one sitting. Good experienced spiritual directors will never jump into giving advice without developing a relationship; without developing a solid understanding of the complex landscape of the soul they are trying to serve.

For directors, be cautious of the dangerous rut of pat answers. Don’t miss the opportunity to really help someone to God because your many conversations are all blurring into one. If you are struggling to really connect with a person, don’t feel pressure to rush into a response. Instead, the struggle should be a signal that you too need to slow down, pray, listen, and wrestle to find clarity about the real issues at play.

Regardless of which side of the equation you find yourself on, the key is to slow down. For directees, ensure you are open and clear about the challenges you face. Don’t look for quick answers to complex questions. If you are not going to spiritual direction with Padre Pio, don’t expect a mere mortal to be able to understand and help after just twenty minutes of discussion. It may take months for you both to understand what God is doing in your soul.

Seek Him – Find Him – Follow Him

Dan