How should I prepare for a meeting with my spiritual director?

Q: Dear Father John, How should I prepare for a meeting with my spiritual director?

A: Preparation for spiritual direction can be divided into three parts.

1. Remote preparation. Preparing for your next spiritual direction starts during the last moment of your previous spiritual direction. By making a note of the key insights that you received during direction, and by identifying some concrete actions you will work on, you create your own spiritual map for the coming month.

You can capture the insights in meaningful phrases, like “discouragement never comes from God” or “I am impatient because I am arrogant.” You can capture concrete actions in motivational phrases, like “I spend the first three minutes of my commute thanking God for today’s blessings” or “When I come home, I give the first ten minutes entirely to my wife” or “When my friends start to gossip, I change the topic.” Put these phrases in your planner, your journal, your home page – wherever you will be sure to see them regularly. Don’t leave spiritual direction without this map. (By the way, it is not necessary to invent new points in every spiritual direction, but sometimes changing a word or two on a previous phrase can refresh it for you, or sharpen it. Also, your insights and concrete actions should be connected to your “program” or “rule” of life; you should perceive the connection clearly.)

2. Proximate preparation. The day before your spiritual direction, take some time to sit down and look over the map you made after the last spiritual direction. Asking the Holy Spirit for light, analyze the following areas, making notes where relevant (e.g. I really made progress on this point; I made no progress here, and I am not sure why; this crisis came up and it totally derailed me…). Remember, always include the question “Why?” as part of your analysis. The analysis will leave you with things to report and questions to ask. This will be the agenda for your spiritual direction. (Your spiritual director may suggest alterations to the following list; it is meant to be a reference point.)

A) The general state of your soul since last spiritual direction

B) Difficulties or failures in your moral life since last spiritual direction

C) The effectiveness of your motivational phrases from last spiritual direction

D) Progress on and results of the concrete actions chosen after your last spiritual direction

E) The main points of your program of life, if they were not covered in C and D.

F) Challenges and progress in your prayer life, if they were not covered in C and D.

G) The quality of the key relationships and responsibilities of your state in life, if they were not covered in C and D.

You will not necessary have a lot to say to your spiritual director during each spiritual direction regarding every single one of these points. But as you go through them you will identify those points that you really do need or want to address. This proximate preparation, the calm and prayerful analysis of these areas, is like cleaning out the garage: it refreshes your soul and motivates you to look with enthusiasm towards the coming month of spiritual work.

3. Immediate preparation. A few minutes before your spiritual direction, make a visit to our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament to put everything in his hands. If the Eucharist is not nearby, say a prayer to the Holy Spirit to guide you and your director. Make sure you have the notes from your proximate preparation. Finally, call to mind the real goal of all spiritual direction: to discover more clearly God’s action in your life, and to equip you to respond generously to what he is asking of you.

PS: Dan has a new book out on Spiritual Direction that you can find more about at www.NavigatingtheInteriorLife.com. It is scheduled to release later this year. In it, you will find more helpful information on this topic and spiritual direction in general.

Who should I go to for spiritual direction? (links repaired)

Q: Dear Father John, I’m a new Catholic as of April, 2012. I received spiritual direction that was immensely helpful with a priest about four times, before I was received into the church. While in my first confession, that priest told me I needed ongoing spiritual direction for many specific reasons. He said I should contact the pastor because he, as an assistant pastor, could not guarantee meeting with me long term. I did meet with the pastor, who concurred with what the first priest said and also said he was leaving but I should let the next pastor know. I met the first priest a month later and he forgot everything he said before and was telling me that I couldn’t count on a parish priest for spiritual direction long term but I should contact a monastery to see if a monk or nun could help me. My RCIA sponsor contacted the Carmelites for me and they said they could not. He keeps saying now that priests aren’t available for long term spiritual guidance, but I read online that people have pastors and parish priests as spiritual directors for years. Anyway, I’m feeling very discouraged. He said I need ongoing support because I have a developmental disability that makes it hard for me to sort things out spiritually, and so I am often easy prey to darker influences. Also, I’m a serious and devoted student in contemplative prayer and wish to pursue a contemplative life in a related career (which is not also a religious vocation.) Is what he’s saying a personal rejection? Is what he’s saying even true? More importantly, my anxiety is building over not knowing who to trust for guidance right now. I do have a therapist who is Catholic and she is helpful with emotional issues I work through but she will not advise on moral/faith issues that come up and she says I need to talk to my priest.

A: Welcome home!!! As an adult convert to Catholicism myself, I am always deeply edified and encouraged when I hear of others the Lord has led down similar paths. I would encourage you during these first months as a new Catholic to keep meditating in your heart on St. Paul’s beautiful and powerful phrase: “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

Trust in God!

And that’s where I would like to begin answering your important question. In the midst of this difficulty, which is clearly a painful one, and in the midst of every difficulty that you will face along your journey to the Father’s house, remember that God is right beside you. He protects us from many, many difficulties, and the ones he permits us to face are, from his perspective, opportunities for growth. Be sure of that. Your struggle to find stable and dependable spiritual guidance is, in itself, a magnificent expression of your love for God and your hope in his grace. God will honor that, and he is pleased with that, and he is upholding you even as you continue your search. Even canonized saints (St. Margaret Mary, St. Faustina, St. Elizabeth of Hungary…) faced this difficulty, so you are in good company.

Before I offer my own answer to this important question, I want to request that our readers’ share their wisdom. I know that many of our readers have faced this same problem. Please comment on what has helped and hindered you in seeking to resolve it.

Priests as Spiritual Directors?

I would like to offer three suggestions. But first, a word about parish priests and spiritual direction. No ecclesiastical rule exists on this point. Each parish priest will offer or not offer spiritual direction as he sees fit, in accordance with his possibilities, training, and pastoral priorities. Quite often, parish priests decide not to offer ongoing spiritual direction. And this is very understandable. If a priest’s parish has 2,000 families, and 10 percent of those families asked for regular spiritual direction, the priest would have to spend 100 hours a month in this ministry alone! Parish priests juggle a mind-boggling amount of demands on their time. It helps to keep this in mind. Sometimes we can feel that we are being personally rejected when someone denies our request for spiritual direction, but we shouldn’t. So many other factors can be at work.

Ask

My first suggestion is to continue your prayer of petition. Keep asking God each day to grant you the guidance you need, and to give you a spiritual director, if it be his will. And trust that God will continue to guide you as you continue your search. He cares even more than you do about your growth in spiritual maturity, about your true, lasting happiness. If you continue to place your life in his hands, day after day, you will give his grace more and more space to work wonders in your soul.

Seek

Secondly, I would encourage you to read this earlier post, which gives a whole list of possible places and organizations where you may be able to find a spiritual director. This post may be useful too. So, as you continue to ask God to do his part, you should keep on doing your part – searching. Jesus affirmed, “Ask, and you shall receive!” But he also exhorted, “Seek, and you shall find; knock, and the door shall be opened to you” (Matthew 7:7). So keep asking, but also keep seeking and knocking. While you look, don’t be afraid to ask a priest for individual appointments when you feel that you really need some spiritual guidance. Even though many priests can’t commit to ongoing spiritual direction, most make themselves available to meet with people who have questions or particular struggles they need to speak about.

Keep Growing

Thirdly, what should you do in the meantime? Continue to grow in your prayer life, continue to frequent the sacraments, continue to seek to know, love, and imitate Christ in your daily life (above all, seeking his will), continue to form virtue and overcome vice, and continue to nourish your mind with good Catholic literature. You are doing all of those things already; keep doing them! Keep seeking to “draw closer to God” and “he will draw closer to you” (James 4:8). And while you do, remember the spiritual principle that frustration and discouragement never come from the Holy Spirit. If you are making a decent effort to do what you can to find solid and stable spiritual guidance and to follow Christ each day, God will guide you. Take confidence in that. Trust in him. This earlier post also has some insights regarding what to do “in the meantime.”

Help in Other Places

As a final thought, it may help you to keep your eyes open also for a spiritual mentor. A mentor is someone you can meet with to talk about your spiritual life, even if this person doesn’t have specific training as a spiritual director. If there is an older woman of faith in your parish, someone you respect, someone you can see that has achieved an attractive degree of spiritual maturity, feel free to invite her out to a cup of coffee, simply saying that you would like to get to know her better and talk to her about the faith. This kind of mentoring isn’t as formal or regular as spiritual direction, but it can do wonders. You may also find support and stimulation to spiritual growth by joining a women’s Bible study or faith-sharing group, or an adult faith-formation program. These kinds of activities allow you to surround yourself with people who share your desire to go deeper spiritually, and the leaders of these groups are often excellent mentors. Such fellowship and friendships can provide key support in dark times. RCIA shouldn’t be the end of your faith-journey, but only the beginning!

Can a friend be my spiritual director? Is anyone ever too old to be in spiritual direction?

Q: Dear Dan, I’ve been going to spiritual direction for several years with a good friend. At her suggestion I have recently begun seeing a Catholic counselor to deal with issues from my past which have made it difficult for me to progress spiritually, to trust God, etc. Actually she insisted that I must see a counselor if she was to remain my SD. I was heading this way anyway, however, I was stunned and hurt by the way she presented this to me.

One of the first things the counselor suggested was that perhaps I should find another spiritual director because we are so different in temperament and have had some problems in communication resulting in her feeling I’m resistant and me feeling misunderstood and misjudged. And then we both are frustrated. I strongly feel that God brought us together and I want to remain with my present SD as long as she is willing, because she understands many things about me and knows my strengths and weaknesses and background. And I’d like to try to improve the way we communicate and the way I react (which may improve anyway as I go through counseling and find ways to deal with my emotions).

I think my question is: can this work? (With God’s help and our good will I hope it can.) How does one know when to change spiritual directors? If you fail with one what are the chances of making progress with another, even if you should find one?

Are you ever too old to start spiritual direction? Ever too old to change? I’m in my sixties and feel older than that some days.

A: Dear friend, you are an inspiration! So many get stuck because they make some progress, become satisfied, and then complacent, and then, well, it usually doesn’t turn out so well. In the book of Revelation (3:16) the Lord warns that the lukewarm will be spit out of his mouth. So, to answer the age question first, you are never too old to start, never too old to fight, never too old to love and be loved, never to old to make spiritual progress, never too old to be absent of sin, imperfection, and blind spots, and thus never too old for spiritual direction. In fact, you are closer to the Lord than ever (in time), it is even more important to do your best to be prepared to meet him face to face.

Your counselor is probably right. Your experience is the reason why I recommend that spiritual direction come outside of the context of a friendship. As an aside, I have no doubt that God has brought you together – but probably for a different reason than you might think. Here are a few more specific examples of the problematic nature of these relationships (these are generally true but not always true and may not all apply to your situation):

• The nature of friendship lends itself to emotional attachments. How do you know when you have gone beyond healthy inter-dependence into the realm of attachment? The best indication is when emotions regularly begin to hinder progress in communication. Healthy director/directee relationships have an element of detachment that helps the director see and diagnosis without the emotional clouding that can be present in a friendship (more about this in a minute).
• Healthy friendships, by their nature, are encouraging. They focus on the up-side of each person. This means that confrontation is not a frequent element. I am not arguing that this should be true, but that it is most often true. So, when friends shift into spiritual direction relationships, the director, by the nature of their role, rightly begins to judge (make assessments) and suggest changes (provide direction) and these then trigger emotions in the directee and the relationship begins to feel less safe than it was before. This is very difficult to overcome.
• When a director is a friend, we are more likely to be attached to the need for them to have a positive perception of us. Thus, when they make assessments, we feel judged (in the negative sense) and will likely begin to quibble about the minute errors in their assessment. This is usually not received well by the director in this case. This reaction comes out of pride and vanity and the concomitant need for approval (sometimes from both sides of the relationship).
• Blind spots and delusion are what they are because we don’t see them – we cannot see them on our own. This often is true because of our familiarity with them. Have you taken a close look at your car lately? Walk around it. Take note of each nick, dent, or other flaw. Why don’t you see those every day? This is because they have become “normal” to you. The flaws are there, but daily exposure minimizes our awareness (unless, of course, we are obsessive about such things). Spiritual flaws disappear because we see them every day and they are thus normal to us. The same can happen with friends. If we have defects or attachments that don’t annoy our friends, then they will disappear to them, and thus they will be unable to help us overcome them. Even worse is when they share the same sin or defect and thereby encourage our own sin and weakness. This is common with the sin of gossip. Our blind spots become theirs because they are so close to us, or so much like us, or regularly participate in the sin or dysfunction with us.

All that said, spiritual friendships are very powerful and important. I suspect that you and your friend can rekindle a beneficial spiritual friendship once you take a break for a while. You can do this by taking up a spiritual reading and discussion program with them.

Though my limited exposure to your situation could yield misdiagnosis, I think that your question reveals, clearly enough, that this relationship has too many distracting elements for it to be a healthy spiritual direction relationship. It is time to make a change. The good news is that God has revealed many things to you in the challenges of this situation. It would be good for you to make note of them and begin to step back and evaluate them from a distance. My instinct is that the insights you gain from this exercise will provide the seeds of your future growth in Him.

PS: I have a book coming out later this year that defines what a spiritual direction relationship should and should not look like. You can learn more here by going to www.NavigatingTheInteriorLife.com

Should I ask my spiritual director (a priest) to also be my confessor?

Q: Dear Becky, I have a question for you. I have a priest spiritual director that I usually travel more than an hour to see every month. I go to confession weekly and am wondering if it would be best to see the same priest for confession for continuity, etc. Before my spiritual director relocated, I most often saw him for confession because it worked out that way, and, I believe it was God who arranged it that way. Would it be appropriate to ask my spiritual director to also provide confession when we meet?

A: The fact that you are receiving the sacrament of reconciliation weekly, and are traveling a good distance to see your spiritual director each month shows that you are serious about becoming holy.  Keep up the good work!

The short answer to your question is that it can’t hurt to ask.  We need to be considerate of our priests’ time, yet also remember that they became priests to help us to heaven.

Your concern for continuity shows that you understand the value of developing an ongoing relationship with your confessor, this is good.  And since we confess our sins, not to the priest, but to Jesus via the priest, receiving spiritual direction at this time is a very good idea.

Going to confession and receiving spiritual direction at the same time is a huge blessing.  There is special grace here because of the sacramental nature of confession, and it saves you from having to repeat or explain your struggles to your spiritual director when you see him each month.   If you have a good priest who can provide at the same time, both confession and sound spiritual direction, you are very blessed; this would be the optimal situation.

I can only assume from your question that the physical distance between you and your director has prevented you from seeing him more often.

That said, a few questions come to mind that you should discuss with your director.

First, does your spiritual director have the time/flexibility to see you more frequently?  If he does, do you have the means (time and cost of transportation), to make that trip more often? If not, you might want to alternate confession time (local for three weeks, then once a month with your priest/spiritual director).

Second, are you at a place where you can safely reduce the frequency of your confessions? If you are at a stage where you are not often tempted to mortal sin, it might be prudent to exchange frequent confessions for fewer that are more fruitful. You would, of course, still have the ability to make a confession with a local priest as needed.

That you believe God arranged for you to have this specific priest as your confessor is probably a reliable instinct.  If you think about it, having one person who sees the ‘whole’ of our spiritual life makes good sense. God knows what is best for us, and as we progress on the journey of the soul He may guide us to modify some practices in order to develop new ones.

Your spiritual director will be able to give you advice tailor made for your situation. Talk this over with him as appropriate matter for spiritual direction discussion.

How can a woman build an appropriate relationship with a priest?

Q: Dear Father John, I am a woman working hard to deepen my relationship with Christ.  In this process, I have begun to befriend priests.  I wonder how you would suggest molding relationships with clergy to maintain detachment yet create mutually beneficial relationships.

A:  This is a real issue.  We have all read or heard about tragic tales of priests having affairs with married or single women whom they were directing spiritually.  And many times, both the priest and the woman are upstanding members of the parish, honest and fervent Catholics.  None of us wants that to happen.

Two concepts can, I think, help answer your question and shed some light on the situation: realism and respect.

Realism

We have all got to be realistic.  People are people; men are men; women are women.  This doesn’t change when a woman begins to seek holiness.  This doesn’t change when a man becomes a priest.  Neither chastity nor celibacy is maintained and matured by pretending that certain circumstances will remove all temptation.  And temptation can be especially subtle precisely in the midst of a relationship that begins on a deep spiritual level – the level where a priest and a female directee are interacting.

In this relationship, the woman receives affirmation and guidance regarding the living out of her faith.  This can be deeply satisfying.  The emotional release and joy that overflows from spiritual growth can lead her, little by little, often subconsciously, to depend on the priest not only for spiritual support affirmation, but also for emotional support.  Temporarily, in moments of crisis, this can be fine.  But if it becomes habitual, the emotional momentum can easily, and tragically, begin to override the spiritual connection, and the chaste relationship can be compromised.

A similar dynamic can happen from the priest’s perspective.  If he feels a natural attraction towards a particular female directee, he can begin enjoying and looking for the emotional connection that he feels when interacting with her.  He may look for it consciously, or subconsciously.  At this point, his purity of heart is already being threatened, and he is vulnerable to temptation.  If he then enters a period of personal difficulty or spiritual dryness (and this happens periodically – it’s normal), he will feel drawn to look for tangible comfort and understanding, instead of courageously bearing his cross and renewing his faith-commitment until the storm passes.  At that point, going to a female directee with whom he is already emotionally involved will seem like a direct, clear, and satisfying solution.

The most obvious application of this concept is that women need to develop faith-based friendships with women where they receive emotional support.  They should be very clear about what they seek from their relationships with priests: spiritual support and guidance, encouragement and instruction in their faith and in their pursuit of holiness.  Priests need to have faith-based friendships with men, preferably brother priests, wherein they receive their emotional support.  They must take seriously their role as spiritual fathers in relation to the people God gives them to serve.

This doesn’t mean that priests and women can’t be friends.  What it means is that this particular friendship has a specific character and purpose, and that needs to be acknowledged and accepted.

By the way, this complex dynamism is often at work in relationships between lay people too, relationships that can lead to adultery.  We can never pretend that we are immune from temptation, that we have conquered perfectly and forever the beautiful, powerful, and fruitful virtue of chastity.  We need to be realistic.

Respect

As a result, in all interactions between women and priests, each party must have and show respect for the other’s calling in life.  This starts in the heart: being brutally honest with oneself about emotional charges and attachments as soon as they begin to appear.  But it has a lot of practical manifestations too.  A good rule of thumb is to avoid situations where outsiders could infer the appearance of something unhealthy.  Here are some practices that have been common in Church tradition, and that even married Protestant ministers (like Billy Graham) have found helpful:

• A priest and a woman (who is not a family member) should avoid riding in cars together, just the two of them.
• A priest should wear his clergy attire when giving direction to a woman.
• Spiritual direction should take place in a room with windows or an open space where others can see what’s happening.
• Spiritual direction should take place during normal working hours, not late at night.
• A priest and a woman (again, a woman who is not a family member) should avoid getting together tête-à-tête casually, or for simply social reasons.

I am sure we could each extend the list.  And, again, similar respect should govern other relationships too – a single man and a married woman, for example.

I want to be explicit about the reason behind this mutual respect.  It is not because the Church considers femininity intrinsically evil.  It is not because the Church considers sex intrinsically evil.  On the contrary, it is precisely because the Church herself respects the reality of gender in God’s plan and the sacredness of sexual intimacy that chastity is valued in the first place.  But the Church is not naïve.  We live in a fallen world and bear a wounded human nature.  Therefore, we must make a conscious effort to be faithful to God’s plan for our lives.  When it comes to a relationships between women and priests, that conscious effort must include sincere respect for God’s plan for each person.