The rule of three in the battle against sin

Q: Dear Dan, I am struggling with a recurring problem with anger that I can’t seem to overcome. I have read books, tried to understand how it surfaces in me, prayed fervently (I am living in a state of grace outside of this problem). But I seem to be making no progress. I am very very very very very very very very frustrated.

A: Yours is a challenging question. Because of the complex issues involved with this issue and my lack of knowledge of anything about you personally, I can’t give you a specific answer. I can however, point you to principals that I have no doubt will in some way help you face and overcome this challenge.

After years of observing intelligent, capable, and committed people work to solve problems, I have come to discover a rule that is almost universally true. Those who use this rule will be significantly more likely to overcome the challenges they face, those who don’t, will likely find themselves frustrated, dejected, and shackled with recurring sin and the debilitating and often disastrous consequences.

The rule itself is simple but it depends on a handful of basic realities that are worth a brief moment of exploration.

1. Sin clouds the heart and mind. Small sins and imperfections, left unchecked, cause a gradual and often unnoticed degeneration of the mind and will. Thus, when someone is caught in a destructive cycle, they often do not have, within themselves, the necessary faculties to identify the root cause, isolate it, formulate a solution, and then implement that solution.
2. We humans are finite creatures. We come into this world with blind spots. Even in the garden before our natures were tainted by sin, we had blind spots. In our perfect state, these were merely dependencies on one another to allow the other to see what the other could not see and to serve them in their need. In our fallen state, these blind-spots and dependencies can and do morph into serious realms of spirtiual delusion and dsyfunction. Post fall, with respect to serious emotional, psychological, and spiritual problems, it is very rare that we can effectively identify and overcome them on our own.

What can we do about these limitations and challenges? Well, the traditional means of the sacraments, prayer, spiritual reading, etc. are essential. Even so, many people are still stuck in their spiritual battles even after years of faithful practice of these life-giving disciplines. Other, less commonly used but very powerful tools are the combination of a rule of life coupled with a daily examen. Together these dramatically increase our spiritual peripheral vision by making us more self-aware (these practices consistently utilized can also help to shed light on our root sin). These tools help us to become more cognisant of our blind-spots and delusion not because we begin to see them clearly but because we see the patterns of the outcomes more clearly. Remember, you can never clearly see exactly what it is in your blind-spot.

Even with these wise and helpful practices, many people still are stuck in their spiritual growth. Why? It is because they don’t practice this simple rule:

If, with full vigor and commitment, we attempt to overcome a pattern of sin, imperfection, or any other major personal challenge three times without clear success or significant progress, we must seek outside help to properly diagnose and solve the problem.

Here’s an insight to the solution to this problem from God the Father given to St. Catherine of Sienna on the inherent incompleteness of our design and our clear need for others (Dialogue #7):

The same is true of many of my gifts and graces, virtues and other spiritual gifts, and those things necessary for the body and human life. I have distributed them all in such a way that no one has all of them. Thus I have given you reason – necessity, in fact – to practice mutual charity. For I could well have supplied you with all your needs, both spiritual and material. But I wanted to make you dependent on one another…

So, we are designed with a fundamental need for one another. Humility, mutual dependence and charity, are absolutely necessary for our spiritual growth; they are absolutely necessary for us to overcome serious spiritual challenges. Our culture, fueled by the lies of the enemy, militate against these holy needs and seek to replace them with the anti-virtues of pride, independence, and hyper-individualism. These ant-virtues coupled with fear and vanity have locked up and destroyed many people of good-will who simply would not reach out and get help with the challenges they face.

Jesus said that He came to give us life and that more abundantly. Reach out for that life that he offers to you. Don’t settle for less. Get the help you need.

PS: For more in-depth treatment of these ideas, you can pre-order Dan’s book, Navigating the Interior Life – Spiritual Direction and the Journey to God. It is scheduled to be available later in 2012.

I discovered my root sin is vanity and I am struggling with this…

Q: Dear Father Edward, I just came to realize through spiritual direction, prayer and many graces that my root sin in Vanity!!! And I am having a very hard time knowing this fact. I feel like God is now leaving me alone (not feeling His presence) to test me and I am struggling with this fact. How do I continue to keep my faith strong and deal with the everyday insecurities in myself that I face? People have said to me that this “is where the rubber meets the road” and “I, too, use to see the world with “rose colored glasses,” but I really don’t understand what they mean! Thanks for your post and information. I am sure this journey is ongoing and I do thank God for all his gifts.

A: It is good to hear that God has given you the grace to understand yourself better. Even if you feel more humbled, remember that “the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). Let’s recall that vanity is an offshoot of pride. Whereas pride prompts us to put ourselves ahead of God and others, vanity makes us value the esteem of others more than the will of the Almighty. Admitting that vanity is our root sin can be a little embarrassing, especially if we perceive it as a defect of the immature or thin-skinned. In fact, vanity is more common than we think. And if we are not careful, it can worm its way into every pore of daily life.

Vanity has its obvious manifestations. We might be fastidious about our clothes, for instance, so as to attract attention. This helps keep the fashion industry solvent, but the downside is that it fuels the fires of egotism. Vanity has its subtle forms too. Let’s take the case of a neighbor who prepares a nice tray of lasagna for the bedridden mom down the street who can’t cook for her family at the moment. On the surface this seems a charitable deed. But deep down the person really might be doing it: 1) to show off her cooking skills, and 2) to ingratiate herself with this mom who happens to be the socialite beauty of the neighborhood. Or maybe a person works hard to carry out a project at the parish. The task took a lot of time and, by golly, he won’t pass up an opportunity to remind folks of his great sacrifice. In these two cases the good deeds done might not seem so good in the eyes of God. Vanity thus loses the graces that would otherwise flow from laudable deeds.

It can be a rude awakening, to say the least, to learn that we are vain. Suddenly all those “good deeds” we thought we were doing now appear as they really are: ego-feeders. That might be what the comment about the “rose colored glasses” meant. When we uncover vanity in our life, it sheds a different light on things. It can leave us feeling like a phony, a bit dejected.

Like other root sins, vanity is a response to a person’s insecurity. Maybe the person felt rejected as a child. Maybe he felt that he was never good enough for mom or dad. Maybe he felt overshadowed by a star sibling with an IQ of 173. Whatever the case might be, he felt insecure, and he has been looking for security in the esteem of others ever since. This isn’t the solution, however. The solution is for a person to put his security in Christ alone, to value Our Lord’s judgment above everyone else’s. And why not? Christ loves us more than anyone else does. He died on a cross for our salvation. His love continues to this day, which is why he allows certain challenges and dry periods in our life.

God might be leaving you in just such a state right now. Now that you understand your root sin (a grace in itself!), God wants to lead you further along. He does it by taking off the training wheels, so to speak. Not only does he want you to detach from your reliance on the opinions of others. He also wants you to detach from your expectations of how he shows his love to you. It is not that God has abandoned you; rather, he has probably just taken away the consolations you might be expecting to receive in prayer. Why does he do this? He does it to purify your intentions. He wants you to pray and work solely for love of him. He doesn’t want your devoutness to be based on good feelings or, heaven forbid, to allow it to feed any kind of egotism. In a sense, God wants his followers to break with vanity completely, especially since it can creep into the prayer life. “Oh, I was so fervent today at prayer/Mass/adoration … I’m really a great person.” Enough! says Christ. Do things for love of me alone. So God is testing you right now. He has led you into the desert and taken away consolations, all for the purpose of your drawing closer to him. Perseverance is the key now. Stick with your prayer life, no matter how dry it might seem. Have frequent recourse to the sacraments. Practice charity especially with those who are difficult to deal with. In this way Our Lord will forge in you a purer heart. For his glory, not yours.

Yours in Christ, Father Edward McIlmail, LC

Father McIlmail is a theology instructor at Mater Ecclesiae College in Greenville, RI.

How can I overcome the root sin of vanity?

Q: Dear Father Edward, would you be willing to post the virtues to overcome the root sin of vanity and pride also?

A: “Vanity of vanities, says Qoheleth, vanity of vanities! All things are vanity!” That line from the Book of Ecclesiastes rings as true today as on the day it was written. Vanity is one of the three root sins that plague humanity. Much of our economy is built on vanity, on helping people to maintain the right “image.” Think of the money spent on cosmetics and trendy clothes and flashy cars and SUVs (complete with vanity license plates).

How does vanity differ from the other two root sins of pride and sensuality? Briefly, we could describe pride as the sin whereby we put ourselves first, ahead of God; sensuality is where we put things first; and vanity is where we put the esteem of others first.

Like the other root sins, vanity springs from insecurity. We place our security in what others think of us. We constantly seek the affirmation, praise and respect of other people. We want to be seen as “cool.” Instead of focusing on Christ and letting him be the center of our concerns, we look to be patted on the back by others. “What will they think of me?” is a perennial concern of the vain person. This differs from the situation where we may desire that our qualities be recognized in order that God be glorified and that we have more influence to bring about good. Having and guarding a reputation for honesty, for instance, might help us to attract others to join us in doing charitable deeds.

Vanity can also manifest itself in shyness. We might worry so much about being accepted that we close in on ourselves and avoid contact with people. Other forms of vanity include gossiping, boasting, “stretching the truth,” and being paralyzed by human respect.

This root sin can also trigger sins against purity. In such cases, it is not the illicit physical pleasure that is sought as much as the feeling of being accepted by another. Alas, such “acceptance” often proves to be short-lived.

Commonly, vanity expresses itself in an undue concern for one’s physical appearance. Or one might become easily discouraged by one’s failures. Then too the vain person might give in to two-facedness or hypocrisy, abandoning his principles in order to “fit in.” A person might seek friendships with high-profile people, for sake of gaining attention. Such friendships can quickly lead to jealousies and bruised egos.

How can someone fight against vanity? Let’s offer a few strategies. The first deals with purity of intention. This means doing good things for the right reasons. If a person does a “good act” out of a desire for praise, the act loses its value in the eyes of God. “When you give alms, do not blow a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets to win the praise of others. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward” (Matthew 6:2). The key is to do hidden acts of charity, the kind that only God sees. This builds intimacy with God and cultivates in us a healthy indifference to the praise of the world.

Another strategy against vanity is to cultivate love for Christ in others. That is, offer up good deeds to Christ. Learn to see him in others and love him in others. This awareness of the presence of Christ in others has motivated more than a few saints to heroic and universal charity. By universal charity we mean showing charity and kindness to everyone, regardless of their personality or temperament. This is no easy task. It is easy to be nice to someone who is likable. It is much harder to be nice to someone who is irascible or uncouth or ungrateful. That is why reaching out to a difficult person goes a long way in purifying our intentions. For at that point, we are charitable for love of Christ, not for love of praise.

Finally, learn to admit your mistakes quickly. This helps your humility and nurtures simplicity of heart. The sooner we get vanity under control, the sooner we live just for Christ.

Yours in Christ, Father Edward McIlmail, LC

Father McIlmail is a theology instructor at Mater Ecclesiae College in Greenville, RI.

What if I disagree with my spiritual director about my root sin?

Q: What do you do when you are pretty sure your root sin is pride (based on self-reflection, common sins in confession, etc…) but your spiritual director doesn’t think it is true. Mine keeps telling me I am not proud — but we end up in this weird argument where I assert that I am and he says that my reply is what a humble person would say. And how much does it matter if he agrees with me on that major fault or not? It seems to me to be important, but on the other hand, things are otherwise fine in direction.

A: The good news is that it sounds like you have an honest and open relationship with your director. This is a great starting point for the answer to your question. The first step is to ensure that you actually do disagree. To do this, it would be important to make sure that you both agree on the definitions of the root sins in question along with the corresponding manifestations. Once you agree on definitions, then you can talk through your self-reflections and pattern of confession in order to find common ground on a proper diagnosis.

What if after all that work you still disagree? Well, this is where the idea of docility and obedience comes in with spiritual direction.

Docility is an area of great importance in the spiritual direction relationship and can easily be misunderstood. This is especially true of modern seekers who often recoil at the slightest idea of submission or subjection of one’s will to the guidance of another. With modern western Catholic writers on the topic of spiritual direction, you may find strongly stated cautions regarding this issue. Often this is because of sincere sensitivity to abuse and a legitimate concern to ensure that the directee remains totally free to follow or discard any of the guidance received in direction. In Eastern Church traditions (e.g., Greek or Russian Orthodox), you are more likely to find equally strong statements on the other end of the spectrum. In the East, any directee would be cautioned to avoid spiritual direction if they are not ready and willing to completely open and submit their soul to obedience to another. In the East, the sincere concern is that the directee overcome any delusion or self-deception. In reality, both of the extreme forms of these concerns can result in unintended problems. Simply put, if you are docile to misdirection, you will be misdirected to your own detriment and by your own choice. If you are stubborn toward sound direction, you will misdirect yourself, likely to great spiritual detriment. Because of the abuses on the overly submissive side of the spectrum, there is often an equal and opposite overreaction. As is common with opposite extremes, wisdom resides closer to the middle. The key is that you should always maintain your freedom to act according to your own will in your submission to God, and you should maintain an equal readiness to humbly accept the insight and direction of any director who is worthy of your trust. Here’s a little more insight into the ideas of docility and obedience.

Docility: True docility is an essential ingredient in any successful spiritual direction relationship. What is docility? Docility is a humble readiness to follow God’s will for our lives. This is sometimes expressed in the willingness to listen to and follow imperfect counsel from an imperfect person,  even when we disagree or don’t completely understand. It is critical to remember that we are in spiritual direction because we recognize that the human condition requires outside counsel to grow. The fact that we are finite fallen creatures requires that someone help us to see the areas of our souls that we cannot see without help. Even if our director is wrong on a particular matter (assuming the direction is not something sinful), we will most assuredly benefit from heading down paths that we would not have chosen on our own. This simple exercise of taking unfamiliar paths will reveal things to us that we would have never been able to see without having been prompted to do so.

Obedience: Some writers on the topic of spiritual direction make a distinction between what they call docility and obedience. Typically, they will point out that obedience is something that occurs only in a slave-to-master relationship when the slave has no will of their own. This approach is often a well-intended overstatement to make the point. It is true that no directee should act in such a way as to substitute the will and desires of the director for their own. It is also true that no directee is, by definition, sinning if they choose to disobey their spiritual director (unless of course their counsel echoes the commands of God himself or falls within the context of religious life). Yet it can be a profound act of holiness to obey our spiritual director, particularly when what they are suggesting is something that is very difficult but may nonetheless lead us to a deeper relationship with Christ. The key here is to remember that God never usurps our free will; neither should a spiritual director. It is important to reiterate that a spiritual director is not able to influence our lives without our consent. If what we are directed to do is in keeping with God’s law as reflected in Church teaching, and we are choosing to obey by our own choice, we are on solid spiritual ground and will likely find great blessings through our obedience.

All that said, you are in a very good place: 1) you are in spiritual direction; 2) you are working diligently in the area of self-knowledge; and 3) you are taking the entire process very seriously. I have no doubt that, whatever course of action you take in this situation, you will find yourself moving into a deeper relationship with Christ!

Happy New Year!

Seek Him – Find Him – Follow Him

Dan

How can I overcome the root sin of pride?

Q: Dear Father Edward, would you be willing to post the virtues to overcome the root sins of vanity and pride also?

A: Whole libraries could be written on how to overcome pride. Pride is the mother of all root sins. Take any sin and you can ultimately trace its roots back to pride. This vice arises because of a deep-seated desire to do things our way.

Whereas vanity puts too much emphasis on the esteem of others, and sensuality stresses the love of comfort, pride puts the limelight on one’s self. A proud person is the center of his universe. Pride can manifest itself in myriad ways. One example is perfectionism, where a person gets caught up in his own work and goes to great lengths to prove himself. The perfectionist works hard for his own glory, but not for the glory of God.

Pride can also show itself in an inordinate desire for control. A proud person might want to control every aspect of his life, and even the lives of others (including one’s adult children). A proud person loves to have the last word. He might find it hard to listen respectfully to others’ views.

Another manifestation is an exaggerated tendency toward independence and individualism. This is common in cultures that place great value on self-sufficiency. Not infrequently this love of independence and individualism is a disguise for selfishness: Deep down the proud person doesn’t really care about the good of others. He doesn’t call it selfishness, of course. He calls it “tolerance” or “having respect for others’ privacy.”

Pride also shows itself in anger and criticism. A proud person might judge everyone else to be a fool. The proud one might get easily annoyed when contradicted by others. He might turn to insincerity and lying to cover up his mistakes. He might have an inability to ask for or offer forgiveness. The prideful person might be unwilling to serve others, might show impatience or brusqueness toward others. Self-love of a proud person leads him to nurse grudges, to rebel against legitimate authority, to exhibit inflexibility. Indifference to other’s needs or feelings isn’t uncommon. A proud person might be a master manipulator, steering conversations (and even whole nations) toward his interests.

What are the remedies for pride? For openers, the proud person must cultivate a deep sense of humility. He needs to recognize that all the gifts in his life come from God. The proud person must understand his own smallness; he is nothing without God’s grace. The prideful person must also recognize his sinfulness, and that this sinfulness rules out any kind of boasting.

Such a person needs to remind himself constantly of the love and mercy and patience that Christ has shown him. Christ died on a cross for each of us. The prideful person then needs to realize that he is called to imitate Christ’s love and mercy and patience toward other people. After all, they too are made in the image of God and are deserving of respect.

Since pride takes many forms, a person has to recognize how this vice manifests in his life, and then work on the opposite virtue. If he has a hard time listening to others, he has to work on the habit of letting others have the last word in a conversation. If he is prone to anger, he has to work on patience, preferably with very specific people (a wife, a co-worker, an in-law, etc.). If a person tends to be obsessed with his own needs, he might need to get involved in charitable organizations. Whatever the manifestations of pride, it is necessary to get to work on battling them right away. Pride tends to grow tougher with age, so there is no time like the present to get to work. Best of God’s graces to you!

Yours in Christ, Father Edward McIlmail, LC

Father McIlmail is a theology instructor at Mater Ecclesiae College in Greenville, RI.