How can I get out of patterns of sin!?

Q. Dear Sister Carmen, how can I deepen my relationship with God when I am stuck in patterns of sin that I can’t seem to break? I’ve asked this question to several people at different times, but I really can’t seem to figure this out or make any progress. I am really grieved over this. Thank you for your help.

A. It seems to me that your grief over patterns of sin is already the beginning of conversion and spiritual growth. Recall the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15:18-19 when the son realizing his sinful situation says, “I will arise and go to my father and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; treat me as one of your hired servants.’”

Your question obviously indicates that you have good desires and the fact that you are sincere in yearning to deepen your relationship with God presupposes that you have already established a relationship with Him. Our good desires, however, must include self-knowledge and humility.

Self-knowledge opens to us the reality of the mystery and ugliness of sin as well as to the mystery and beauty of grace. Teresa envisioned the human soul as a castle containing many rooms. Outside the castle there was darkness and fearsome reptiles and creatures trying to impede our way into the castle. The key to the entry of the castle is prayer and reflection.

Once inside we become aware of light emanating from the deepest center, that innermost room, where dwells the Glory of God. However, some of these fearsome creatures manage to squeeze in with us, for they are the temptations, the bad habits, the patterns of sin that accompany us and although the Light continues to stream from the center of the castle, we still experience darkness for that which accompanies us into the castle blocks the light trying to reach us.

There is much work to be done in the first room. We wage a daily battle between the person we wish to be, the person we really are and the person God created us to be. To come to self-knowledge we must be very willing to be honest and this requires humility. What am I really like? How do others see me? Do I spend my time trying to be someone I am not? Do I feel guilty being who I am? How much of the false values of the world around me have I absorbed?

The Prodigal Son was lured away from his loved ones by the false promises of happiness. It wasn’t until he had hit rock-bottom that he realized that he had sacrificed an authentic relationship with himself, with others, and with God for fleeting pleasures. Only when he ran out of money and his “friends” deserted him was he able to see the superficiality of his life.

Each of us needs to identify the vipers and poisonous creatures that block our passageway as we seek to move through the castle into the other rooms seeking the One who waits for us at the Center just as the father of the Prodigal Son, in the center of his home, looked longingly for his son’s return day after day until one day he saw him coming in the distance.

• Can I identify the blockages that hinder my movement forward?:

• What external occupations fill my mind causing me to neglect prayer and reflection?

• Am I addicted to noise (e.g. music, television, radio, etc.)?

• Am I afraid of solitude filling the emptiness within me with busy-ness?

• What patterns of sin do I need to break and what concrete measures am I taking to help myself?

• Do I make use of the sacramental graces provided by frequent confession?

• Have I considered the help of a spiritual director to assist me in breaking the pattern of sin and to aid me in practicing virtue?

What elements in my life am I willing to surrender in order to remain in and be attentive to God’s Presence?

It was only when the Prodigal Son made a firm decision to “arise” and go to his father that he began the journey that would take him to the treasure he had not recognized. As the father waited patiently for his son’s return, so also God is even more patient as we move through the rooms leaving behind us the paltry treasures we have accumulated in order to find the Pearl of Great Price at the center. Are we willing to sell all for this Treasure?

Until next time,

Sr. Carmen Laudis OCD

PS: To learn more about the Carmelite Sisters visit our web site: www.carmelitesistersocd.com and for more information please contact the sisters at contact@carmelitesistersocd.com, or 626-289-1353 Ext. 246, 920 East Alhambra Road, Alhambra, California 91801.

I hate myself. How can I find comfort in God when I feel so unworthy?

Q: Dear Father John, I thought I once heard you mention that quite often a hatred of oneself runs parallel with a hatred of God. My problem is similar, but while I hate myself quite a bit I do not in any way hate God. God is, in fact, my longest and most faithful friend, always at the back of my mind. And I know it probably hurts Him to see me revile myself the way I do, but I feel unable to improve the situation. I compare it sometimes to my relationship with my husband. He understands that I earnestly believe myself selfish, evil and ugly, but his patience runs thin the more times I mention it. I find myself asking for God’s patience more than any other thing, and I do want to please Him, but I’m not sure if I’m able. My question is how to best be pleasing to God when I foster a deep-seeded belief that I am unworthy of any sort of salvation or comfort?

A: First, make sure you cement into the very foundation of your understanding of the universe one extremely important truth that God has revealed to us so frequently and so forcibly that he has removed any room for doubt: “…but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). I would highly recommend that you memorize that verse of inspired Scripture, and that you repeat it to yourself, using it as a prayer, throughout the day. God’s love for his – his personal, all-knowing, passionate, tender, and determined love for each one of us – does not depend on our being worthy of it, being perfect, being selfless, being a model Christian… On the contrary, it is only as we continue discovering God’s love for us that we open our hearts to be touched by his transforming grace so that we can actually love him in return and begin to experience life as he calls us to live it – selflessly, generously, joyfully, humbly. Our journey through this Valley of Tears that we call earth is not primarily about what we can do for God, but about what God has done (and still wants to do for us): “This is real love–not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins” (1 John 4:10). So, keep reminding yourself of this, over and over again. Make it the theme of your daily prayer. Ask God to convince you of this more and more every day.

From that perspective, I think you can answer your own question. How best to please God, even though you know that you are unworthy? Throw yourself into his arms. Dive into his mercy. Trust him when he tells you that he loves you just as you are, and maybe even MORE because you are so much in need of his grace. Remember the parable of the Good Shepherd, who left the 99 sheep who were in good shape in order to go after the one sheep that was lost and in need. And he rejoiced when he found it. Your mere desire to follow God, to know him and love him better, gives him immense pleasure. Every time you turn back to him after a fall or a failure, you fill his heart with joy. He longs not for our self-perfection, but for our presence, our friendship, our desire to walk with him. This is what pleases him.

You may be confusing God’s being “pleased” with his being “satisfied.” God loves us so much that he is never satisfied. He knows we can grow, and so, like a good coach how really cares about his players, he never gets tired of demanding more from us and inviting us to give more. He loves us too much to let us vegetate in our personal comfort zone, spiritually speaking. But even though he is hard to satisfy, he is extremely easy to please. The slightest effort delights him! He knows better than we do how hard it is for us to live a truly spiritual, truly Christ-like life. So, he is like the dad witnessing his little baby take her first steps. The steps are clumsy, jerky, and unsteady. But how the dad rejoices over them!

Okay, now for a hard truth. Whenever you get drawn into a personal pity party and find yourself discouraged or tense or preoccupied about your own weakness and spiritual neediness (selfishness), you are actually falling into dangerous territory. Discouragement is not something that comes from the Holy Spirit – not ever. Discouragement is a subtle, very subtle, form of spiritual pride, which is one of the seven capital sins. Discouragement, when we give into it and revel in it instead of turning it immediately into a prayer and throwing ourselves into God’s loving arms, says to God: “O Lord, look at how evil I am; I am so selfish that not even you can love me or help me…” Oh what a nasty trick of the Devil that thought is! Oh how it hurts our Lord when we say that to him! His mercy, his love, his goodness, his power – they are IMMENSELY greater than our misery! Our Lord revealed to St Margaret Mary that even if all the sins of the world were on her soul, compared to his burning love for her, they would be like a drop of water thrown into a blazing furnace. So, whenever you feel like turning in on yourself and being drawn into the pit of self-deprecation, simply make an act of humility and then turn your attention back to whatever it is God wants you to be doing at that moment, even if it’s something as simple as washing the dishes, “Lord, you know what a mess I am, but you love me. Give me the strength to forget about myself and do what you want me to do. I am in your hands, and they are Very Good Hands…”

I suggest that you take for a personal motto what St Paul said about this very struggle, and follow his example of rejoicing in your weaknesses because they force you to depend more and more on God, which is what it’s all about: “I am well content with these humiliations of mine, with the insults, the hardships, the persecutions, the times of difficulty I undergo for Christ; when I am weakest, then I am strongest of all” (2 Corinthians 12:10).

The beauty of your soul…

“…the soul of the just person is nothing else but a paradise where the Lord says he finds his delight. So then, what do you think that abode will be like where a King so powerful, so wise, so pure, so full of all good things takes his delight? I don’t find anything comparable to the magnificent beauty of a soul and its marvelous capacity. Indeed, our intellects, however keen, can hardly comprehend it, just as they cannot comprehend God; but he himself says that he created us in his own image and likeness… His Majesty in saying that the soul is made in his own image makes it almost impossible for us to understand the sublime dignity and beauty of the soul.”

An amazing thought isn’t it? I wonder what would happen to us if we understood how beautiful our souls are, or could be. Have you ever stepped into an immaculate home or better yet, stayed as a guest? A person of good-will in this situation will do everything they can to avoid making a mess. Why? First, because it doesn’t belong to them. Second, because they wouldn’t want to disturb the beauty, order, and cleanliness of the place.

When we see something and beautiful or pristine, our better instinct is to preserve it, to protect it. How would we treat our souls if we knew how truly beautiful they are or could be?

Seek Him – Find Him – Follow Him

Dan

For more this, read St. Teresa of Avila’s The Interior Castle. This passage can be found in the first chapter.

I discovered my root sin is vanity and I am struggling with this…

Q: Dear Father Edward, I just came to realize through spiritual direction, prayer and many graces that my root sin in Vanity!!! And I am having a very hard time knowing this fact. I feel like God is now leaving me alone (not feeling His presence) to test me and I am struggling with this fact. How do I continue to keep my faith strong and deal with the everyday insecurities in myself that I face? People have said to me that this “is where the rubber meets the road” and “I, too, use to see the world with “rose colored glasses,” but I really don’t understand what they mean! Thanks for your post and information. I am sure this journey is ongoing and I do thank God for all his gifts.

A: It is good to hear that God has given you the grace to understand yourself better. Even if you feel more humbled, remember that “the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). Let’s recall that vanity is an offshoot of pride. Whereas pride prompts us to put ourselves ahead of God and others, vanity makes us value the esteem of others more than the will of the Almighty. Admitting that vanity is our root sin can be a little embarrassing, especially if we perceive it as a defect of the immature or thin-skinned. In fact, vanity is more common than we think. And if we are not careful, it can worm its way into every pore of daily life.

Vanity has its obvious manifestations. We might be fastidious about our clothes, for instance, so as to attract attention. This helps keep the fashion industry solvent, but the downside is that it fuels the fires of egotism. Vanity has its subtle forms too. Let’s take the case of a neighbor who prepares a nice tray of lasagna for the bedridden mom down the street who can’t cook for her family at the moment. On the surface this seems a charitable deed. But deep down the person really might be doing it: 1) to show off her cooking skills, and 2) to ingratiate herself with this mom who happens to be the socialite beauty of the neighborhood. Or maybe a person works hard to carry out a project at the parish. The task took a lot of time and, by golly, he won’t pass up an opportunity to remind folks of his great sacrifice. In these two cases the good deeds done might not seem so good in the eyes of God. Vanity thus loses the graces that would otherwise flow from laudable deeds.

It can be a rude awakening, to say the least, to learn that we are vain. Suddenly all those “good deeds” we thought we were doing now appear as they really are: ego-feeders. That might be what the comment about the “rose colored glasses” meant. When we uncover vanity in our life, it sheds a different light on things. It can leave us feeling like a phony, a bit dejected.

Like other root sins, vanity is a response to a person’s insecurity. Maybe the person felt rejected as a child. Maybe he felt that he was never good enough for mom or dad. Maybe he felt overshadowed by a star sibling with an IQ of 173. Whatever the case might be, he felt insecure, and he has been looking for security in the esteem of others ever since. This isn’t the solution, however. The solution is for a person to put his security in Christ alone, to value Our Lord’s judgment above everyone else’s. And why not? Christ loves us more than anyone else does. He died on a cross for our salvation. His love continues to this day, which is why he allows certain challenges and dry periods in our life.

God might be leaving you in just such a state right now. Now that you understand your root sin (a grace in itself!), God wants to lead you further along. He does it by taking off the training wheels, so to speak. Not only does he want you to detach from your reliance on the opinions of others. He also wants you to detach from your expectations of how he shows his love to you. It is not that God has abandoned you; rather, he has probably just taken away the consolations you might be expecting to receive in prayer. Why does he do this? He does it to purify your intentions. He wants you to pray and work solely for love of him. He doesn’t want your devoutness to be based on good feelings or, heaven forbid, to allow it to feed any kind of egotism. In a sense, God wants his followers to break with vanity completely, especially since it can creep into the prayer life. “Oh, I was so fervent today at prayer/Mass/adoration … I’m really a great person.” Enough! says Christ. Do things for love of me alone. So God is testing you right now. He has led you into the desert and taken away consolations, all for the purpose of your drawing closer to him. Perseverance is the key now. Stick with your prayer life, no matter how dry it might seem. Have frequent recourse to the sacraments. Practice charity especially with those who are difficult to deal with. In this way Our Lord will forge in you a purer heart. For his glory, not yours.

Yours in Christ, Father Edward McIlmail, LC

Father McIlmail is a theology instructor at Mater Ecclesiae College in Greenville, RI.

Should I “back off” in my passion for my faith?

Q: Thank you, Father John, for your clarification. On the same topic, I find that some of the Christians around me seem to resent my “zeal”. They would rather I be less intense in my pursuit of holiness and living the Gospel; I make them uncomfortable. Sometimes I am tempted to dial this “divine obsession” back, just to accommodate others. But I don’t think that is what God wants me to do. I think He would prefer that I am “sold out” to Him, totally giving all that I am, all that I have to Him. Do you have any thoughts about this?

A: Thank you for this encouraging note, and this incisive question, which I am sure is on the minds of more than a few of our readers. I do have some thoughts about it – two thoughts, in fact.

First, sometimes the people around us can help identify imbalances in our lives to which we ourselves are oblivious. We have all experienced this. Just think about friends who make unfortunate dating choices: they put themselves in relationships that wear them down instead of build them up, but they don’t seem to see it. So, if you are consistently receiving this message (that you have gone overboard in your piety) from people you know and respect (and who know and respect you), your first reaction should be to do some self-reflection: “Is my life of piety somehow turning people away from Christ?” In this context, I offer a few possible self-examination questions:

Am I able to carry on a friendly and interesting conversation with people – friends, acquaintances, strangers – about non-religious topics?

The answer should be “yes.” A mature Christian should have a lively interest in simply being human. Think about Pope John Paul II and how he so easily met people where they were at. He enjoyed skiing and soccer; he enjoyed movies and art… Pope Benedict XVI plays Mozart to relax. St. John Bosco did magic tricks for kids. St. Gianna Beretta Molla kept up on fashion trends… We too should have healthy interests and hobbies that are simply human, that aren’t directly related to our piety (though they must never interfere with our friendship with Christ). Christians should be interesting people, enjoyable to be around, welcome in any kind of setting, able to connect with people where they are at.

Do I regularly have a “hidden agenda” in my conversations with other people?

We have to be really careful here. As Christ’s ambassadors, it is up to us to bear witness to his truth and love, especially to those who do not know or accept God’s truth and love. But as we grow in our own love for God and his Church, a subtle temptation to pride can seep into our relationships. We can start thinking that we know exactly what other people need, and so we start manipulating them – saying one thing and meaning another, or trying to pressure them (instead of motivating them) into doing what’s right. This is a false kind of charity. Only God knows the whole story of a human heart. We are not Saviors; we are not Providence; we are just witnesses and messengers.

Certainly we can be creative and energetic in finding ways to communicate Christ’s message, but we need to have an absolute respect for every person, treating them like people, not like pet projects. Otherwise, we end up seeking our own glory (“success” stories) instead of God’s glory. This balance can sometimes be hard to maintain. It takes a lot of prayer and a lot of humility. We are just instruments of the Holy Spirit, junior partners: He is the one in charge. As a rule of thumb: we should make a decent and responsible effort to share with others what God has given to us, but not force it down their throats. We are to love our neighbors as ourselves, respecting them, helping them, and building them up, not belittling them or riding roughshod over them.

Do I lead a balanced life-style, in accordance with the duties of my state in life?

The touchstone of our walk with Christ is God’s will. Jesus’ own rule of life was: “I seek to do not my own will but the will of him who sent me” (John 5:30). We find God’s will in the commandments of the Bible and the Church, in the example of Christ, in the duties of our state in life, and in the inspirations of the Holy Spirit (which will never contradict the first three).

If you are a single professional, for example, you should work hard, be engaged in your parish, pursue healthy hobbies, participate in a healthy social life, and, most importantly, have a regular and substantial prayer life. If you are married with children, the commitment to your husband and kids will necessarily diminish the amount of time and energy you can dedicate to your profession, your hobbies, and your social life, but those aspects of normal human-hood should not disappear. If your life of piety consistently crowds everything else out, it may be a sign that you have a religious vocation – but not if you’re already married! Jesus was clear that “your light must shine in people’s sight, so that, seeing your good works, they may give praise to your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:12). If you are spending all of your time in church, how can that happen?

Do I still cling to friendships or hobbies that habitually put me in occasions of sin?

This is a key point. We can sometimes use the “let your light shine” commandment as an excuse to stay too heavily involved in fashionable or pleasurable social circles that are actually riddled with sinful behavior. I remember guy friends in college who used to engage in what they called “missionary dating.” They would date girls who did not share a Christian world view or Christian morals, telling themselves that by dating these girls they would help convert them. The opposite always happened.

As adults, we can fall into the same mistake. The businessman or lawyer who convinces himself that he has to go to the strip club after work in order to build a relationship with a potential client is not “letting his light shine”; he is exposing it to a wind that may blow it out. The socially active Catholic woman who keeps on lunching at the country club with groups of friends who regularly spend the whole lunch gossiping and detracting is impeding her spiritual progress and giving sin a foothold. We have to invest quality time in friendships that are healthy, and at least in some friendships in which our core Christian values (the pursuit of holiness) are shared.

On the other hand, this doesn’t mean that we are supposed to isolate ourselves from all contact with secular people. Avoiding habitual gossip sessions at the country club doesn’t mean you can’t have lunch or tennis with a friend or two who don’t share your faith or worldview. Not at all! Answering Christ’s call to be “the salt of the earth” (Matthew 5:13) requires being in the world. But we have to avoid being of the world; when socializing starts causing our salt to “lose its taste,” we are doing no one a favor.

This isn’t an exhaustive list of questions, but reflecting on these may help you identify if your friends’ impatience with your piety has any merit. If you are out of balance, then you may indeed be turning people away from Christ. But if you are pretty much balanced (we are never perfectly balanced, and we constantly have to adjust in order to keep even our imperfect balance), then you simply need to keep forging ahead, trusting that your “sign of contradiction” (see Luke 2:34) will be used by God, somehow, to draw them closer to Him.

In the Face of Opposition

Second, we need to remember that whenever we are truly seeking to follow Christ, we will inevitably face misunderstanding, opposition, and even persecution. This is just the way it is. Jesus was really clear about it: “If you belonged to the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you do not belong to the world, because my choice of you has drawn you out of the world, that is why the world hates you” (John 15:19).

This opposition can be painful and confusing. It is more painful when it comes from those closest to us – a disdainful spouse, for example, or a fellow Catholic parishioner who resents the call to conscience that our example makes to them. We must not let this kind of opposition interfere with our quest for holiness. Rather, we have to refrain from judging these critics (we can’t see their whole heart), and keep our eye on the ball: loving God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and loving our neighbor as yourself.

Yours in Christ, Fr John Bartunek, LC, ThD