Your advice to young mothers regarding prayer?

I had the opportunity to offer several talks on the spiritual life to a wonderful group of new friends in Idaho last night. One of the young women who has been deeply blessed by God with a large family asked me a question that I thought I would pass along to you – particularly you moms out there. What  practical tips for prayer might you offer a mom with a sizable clan ranging from nine down to a beautiful newborn? Have you navigated the unique challenges of motherhood while still nurturing a meaningful prayer life? It is clear she is a great mom and that her children are blessed to have her as their mother but the challenges of an energetic group of little ones are not small in any way. Your thoughts or words of encouragement?

Does God give the gift of faith to some and not to others?

Q: Dear Dan, I just read your entry about Our Lady of Mount Carmel’s influence in your conversion. I noted your deep hunger for the Eucharist to the extent of asking for and receiving earlier reception into the Church than first anticipated. What a wonderful thing! The question that burns in my heart is why the Lord doesn’t call my husband to this reality of His presence in the Eucharist. Years ago he went through RCIA, was confirmed and participated in the Mass, receiving Our Lord in the Eucharist etc. Then he stopped, said he preferred the Protestant tradition of his youth, and revealed that he never believe in the Real Presence. Occasionally he goes to Mass with me. He is very deeply spiritual, reads mostly Catholic authors, including many of Pope Benedict’s books, and says he doesn’t so much disagree with the Church as that he prefers the Protestant way of doing things he knew as a child, especially the music. He doesn’t talk about it, but he still doesn’t believe in the Real Presence, that Mary is anything other than an ordinary human being, or the power of the Mass. I know that this is between God and him and that I must trust God and not interfere or try to control. He loves and supports my faith and devotion, which is deep and the core of my life, but he believes that I love it because it is the faith tradition that I grew up with and therefore and am familiar with. I don’t understand why God doesn’t give him the gift of faith, though He obviously gives it to others. Can you help me with this? By the way, my concern isn’t whether or not my husband is saved. I know he is precious to the Lord and is a better person than I am. Please help me understand.

A: Dear Friend, this must be a very painful situation. I have no doubt that your husband is a good person as you say. If I can boil down what you are asking to its simplest form, it seems to me that this question is at the heart of your struggles: Why does God give the gift of faith to some and not to others?

The short answer is that under normal circumstances, God does not withhold anything necessary for anyone to come to him by their free choice. Throughout redemptive history, and particularly in the clear invitation of the New Covenant, God has offered himself to all without distinction. In the second letter of Saint Peter chapter three, verse nine, God says to us:

The Lord is not slow about his promise as some count slowness, but is forbearing toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.

This verse reveals a powerful truth, God calls everyone to himself, without exception. Further, your husband was created by God, and as the psalmist reveals, God formed him in his mother’s womb and brought your husband into existence for the purpose of having a relationship with him. This isn’t a general principal. God specifically called your husband into existence in order to commune with him. In Psalm 139 the Lord puts it this way through the heart of the psalmist (loosely translated to apply to your husband).

For I formed you in your inward parts; I knitted you together in your mother’s womb. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. I know your soul well. I made you in secret, as you were intricately woven in the depths of the womb. I saw your unformed substance; in my book is written every part of your design, the days that were formed for you, when as yet there was nothing.

Beyond the amazing beauty of this thought, without the freedom to reciprocate the love the God has for us, your husband’s love toward God would be forced and not freely offered. Forced love can never be true love. God has invited all of us to his great banquet feast, but we must accept and embrace that invitation and do what it takes to get to the table. For reasons unknown to us, some seem to be satisfied with or only able to see the crumbs under the table rather than the great and endless delights of the feast above. There are many reasons for this but only God knows the specific barriers that exist in any man’s heart.

The other comforting element revealed in the verse from our first Pope is that God is patient. Of course, time and the flesh are our enemy when it comes to our redemption but God is always ready and willing to give us all he has if we will turn to him. So, there is a place reserved at the table with your husband’s name on it. Not only is there a place for him but God has also given him all he needs to find it – he need only to chose to receive the invitation and join in.

Finally, there is, in the mystery of God’s provision, a way that we can participate and even somehow increase the grace that an individual can receive from God. God has chosen to work through the prayers of others to bring his grace to his people. So, what can you do? Pray, pray, pray, and pray some more…. and be holy. Be ready to answer any questions he might have. However, the greatest testament to the real presence is how that presence changes those who encounter him. I have never heard a husband say to his wife, “Dear, please stop going to mass, you are being far too nice and helpful to me.” As you might imagine, the reverse is more often the case. Pursue Christ with all your heart, pray, and may your husband hunger for what God is working in you.

How can I pray and grow with all the demands of a family constantly pulling at me?

Q: Dear Father John, between caring for my four young kids and husband, running my household, and working a part time job, I sometimes find that prayer time gets pushed aside again and again until it’s almost non-existent (or only on Sunday mornings). I need some help prioritizing my prayer time and making my faith a larger part of my everyday life. Any suggestions?

A: This can be a particularly difficult challenge during the holidays. I am sure our readers will have some suggestions for you, as you are not alone in facing this challenge. Here are a few ideas for you to mull over.

First, keep the goal in mind. Taking specific times out of the day just for prayer is a means for deepening our friendship with Christ. The deeper that friendship, the more all of our activities take on a supernatural tinge, becoming ways of serving, loving, and praising God (which is what we were created for, and what gives us lasting happiness). We are shooting for a mature spiritual life that enables us to live every moment of the day in God’s presence. So the goal is a seamless integration of activity and prayer, of service and contemplation. Understanding this and remembering it may help reduce some of the tension you feel and free you up, interiorly, to accept the limitations of your schedule and its necessary demand for flexibility. But embracing flexibility doesn’t mean jettisoning your daily God-time! As the Catechism reminds us (#2697): “…[W]e cannot pray ‘at all times’ if we do not pray at specific times, consciously willing it.”

Second, be creative. Sometimes the obstacle isn’t so much getting time to pray as not knowing what to do in our prayer time. If that’s the case, look for some advice on how to pray. You can also weave prayer into your daily rhythm by making it a family thing. Prayer before meals, a prayer before taking a trip in the car, a prayer before going to bed – accompanying your children in these prayers allows you both to pray and to teach them to pray, without crowding your schedule. Stopping spontaneously at a Church to visit the Blessed Sacrament and pray, together, for a sick family member is another example, or praying a decade of the Rosary together with your husband before going to sleep.

Here is some more advice on family prayer. I know a woman with nine children who lights a candle in the living room (near an image of the Sacred Heart) whenever she has an important prayer intention. The candle becomes a kind of extended prayer throughout the day. Just seeing it reminds her to say a prayer in the silence of her heart. Find ways that work for you, remembering Christ’s promise that “the one who seeks, always finds” (Matthew 7:8).

Third, seek quality over quantity. You may be entertaining some unrealistic subconscious assumptions about how much time you “ought” to spend in prayer. For example, maybe at some point (after a retreat, for example) you made a commitment to spend at least 20 minutes in prayer every morning, pray the Rosary every afternoon, and read the Bible for 15 minutes every night. But then reality showed up, and circumstances made it impossible. So you simply gave up and didn’t do anything. A better reaction would be adjusting the commitment (for example, ten minutes alone with God sometime in the morning, and one decade of the Rosary sometime in the afternoon), or adjusting the circumstances.

If you really can’t fit a daily God-time into your schedule (five or ten minutes alone with the Lord, just to open your heart to him and look into his heart), you can be sure that something is wrong; you are over-committed. Daily prayer should be as necessary as daily food and daily sleep.

Yours in Christ, Father John Bartunek, LC, ThD

How can I teach my children to pray?

Q: Dear Father John,  I have prayed for days and months for my son, who, thanks be to God, has finally begun rehabilitation from his drug addiction. I feel that many of my prayers have been answered, but I now feel a burden on my heart to teach him to pray. How can I do that?

A: Thank you for sharing this brief testimony, which reminds all of us that we live in a fallen world, but that God’s grace is active and powerful in redeeming that world. I can’t help whispering a “thank you” to our Lord for bringing your son back to a path of hope. It is not an easy path, but it is a good one. Keep praying for your son!

Your questions is a good one. How do we teach other people to pray, especially our children? In general, it is easier to do when the children are younger, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible when they are older. If your children are mature adults living on their own, the best way would probably be to invite them to parish activities where prayer would be happening, or to recommend some books on prayer – though they may not respond as generously as you would like to these invitations. In any case, I will offer three suggestions, which, I hope, can be adjusted to children of any age.

The Acorn Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree

By far, the most important factor in teaching your children to pray is your own example. By far. By far. Let me say it again: by far. This is common sense, but it is also supported by an abundant and still-accumulating amount of psychological research. The most influential factor in children’s development, even through and out of adolescence, is parental example. This is how we are made: to learn behavior from our parents. This is why the cultural attack on the natural structure family life is so threatening to our society. But I digress. If you pray regularly, and your children know this and see this, they will find it much easier to weave prayer into their own lives, and, what is even more important in the long run, to consider prayer an essential part of being human. This doesn’t mean that you should pray in order to be seen by your children. That can smack of Pharisaical hypocrisy. But it does mean that if you don’t have a regular, heartfelt, maturing life of prayer, it will be extremely difficult for you to teach your children to pray.

Along the same lines, your children need to see that your relationship with God affects positively your daily life. This doesn’t mean that they expect you to be perfect – even saints lose their tempers, fall into bad moods, and sometimes say the wrong thing. Certainly, as we grow spiritually and come closer to Christ, that will happen less frequently and less violently. But in the meantime, the way we show that our religion matters, that our prayer life is relevant, is by recovering quickly and humbly from our temper tantrums and self-pity parties. Apologize, make reparation if necessary, brush yourself off (spiritually speaking), and get back in the saddle. This example of humility and confidence in God is powerful, and it will build trust with your children.

The Relevance of Jesus

The mere fact that you pray, and that your prayer impacts your life (helping you gradually grow in virtue and wisdom), is the first and most essential way to teach your children to pray. But it doesn’t stop there. This example has to teach them not only the importance of prayer, but the method of prayer. Prayer is more than saying prayers. Prayer is a way of living out a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Your children need to see in you a living friendship with Jesus Christ. One effective way for you to model this for your children is by praying for them, out loud, in your own words. If your children are young, you can do this while you put them to bed. After you tuck them in, you can sit on the bedside with your hand on them, and ask God to bless them, guide them, and protect them. This teaches your children that God is not an abstract force that has to be propitiated by going to Church or rifling through the Rosary, but that he is a real person, caring and present, with whom we can speak about what matters to us. Another way to teach them that prayer is a living relationship with God is by going off to pray at moments of tension or conflict. Cut off the heated argument (if it’s getting heated it’s not going to do any good anyway) and let your children know that you feel a need to go and pray about this. The message? God is relevant, present, active in your life.

The Domestic Church

Finally, don’t be afraid to establish family traditions with regards to prayer. Pray together as a family on a regular basis. Even if your children are older, and you have never had these kinds of traditions, start them and invite your children to join in them. They don’t have to be complicated, but if you pray together, you are teaching your children to pray. Grace before meals, a short prayer when you start a trip or go out the door, prayers before bed or morning prayers – why not do these together, as a family, involving everyone? Every Catholic family is called to be a domestic church, an outpost of Christ’s Kingdom. By praying together as a family, you raise this awareness. Some families create a prayer room or prayer corner where they pray together, replete with candles, holy images, and even a small altar. Special prayer intentions for family members, relatives, or upcoming events can even be writing down and placed on the family altar… These kinds of traditions may strike us as exaggerated, but think about it for a minute: are they? Only if the normal thing in life is to exclude God from our daily lives – and the fact that practices such as these disorient us at first glance shows that our secularized society has contaminated our world view. Again, the point isn’t to turn every Catholic household into a monastery. Rather, the point is to make prayer as normal a family activity as eating – after all, it is as necessary for our soul’s health as food is for our body’s.

It may not be immediately clear how you can apply these ideas to your particular family situation. But don’t worry. God wants your son to learn how to pray even more than you do. He is already at work in your son’s heart. Whatever effort you make, however clumsy or small it may appear to you, will be turned to eternally good use by the Lord.

Yours in Christ, Father John Bartunek, LC

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