How can I learn to trust?

Q:  Dear Father John, I have felt a great desire to enter religious life for a few years now, but keep hitting an invisible wall so-to-speak. After attempting the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, the Lord helped me to see that I am not ‘indifferent’ and have to rebuild my foundation of a personal relationship with Him. In particular He helped me see my utter inability to surrender stemming from a lack of trust. Unfortunately, due to my lived experience of past hurts, I find myself unable to trust anyone, relying only on myself which is then projected onto God and I feel utterly stuck. I feel as though trust requires gratitude, but gratitude requires humility and being humble, seeing and accepting my weakness is utterly impossible when you have established a pattern of trusting only in yourself and so it is an endless cycle.

Where does one go from here? How does one learn to trust, to be grateful when you only see the failures and hurts in life, how does one surrender and become humble? Is it all a pure gift from God, or is there more I can do on
my end as I have been begging for these graces for years to no avail?

Thank you for your wonderful blog which has been very fruitful!

A: Reading this question gives me deep joy. The grace you have already received is so beautiful! I mean, the grace of understanding the core of the spiritual life (trust) and your need for deep, spiritual rehabilitation in that area. God has been speaking his wisdom to your soul!! You actually bring up at least three separate but related issues. I will comment briefly on them one by one.

Trust: The Heart of Holiness

First, and most importantly, you bring up the issue of trust. However much of the Spiritual Exercises you completed, you can be sure that it was fruitful. The Exercises allow us to confront in a powerfully intimate and personal way the fundamental, universal truths of the spiritual life. The universal truth that struck you the most is the very core of the Christian journey: the need for trust. Sin separates us and distances us from God. All sin – our own personal sins as well as the sins of others, both of which damage our souls – traces its origin back to the Fall of Adam and Eve (that’s why their sin is called “original sin”). What was the essence, the deepest core of their sin? We tend to think it was disobedience. Think again. You see, that disobedience was the trunk, but it grew out of an ever deeper root. Here’s how the Catechism puts it (#397):

Man, tempted by the devil, let his trust in his Creator die in his heart and, abusing his freedom, disobeyed God’s command. This is what man’s first sin consisted of. All subsequent sin would be disobedience toward God and lack of trust in his goodness [emphasis added].

So rehabilitating trust in God is not only YOUR primary project for growth in holiness, but it is EVERY CHRISTIAN’S primary project! That’s not to belittle your journey. Your experiences in life, good and bad, have damaged your capacity to trust in God in a personal, unique way. Your mission in life, your vocation, your way of knowing, loving and serving God is also personal and unique. And so, the path you take to rehabilitate your trust in God will have certain twists and turns, certain epiphanies and setbacks, that will be entirely your own. But, in the end, re-learning to trust God is for each one of us the central, defining spiritual project.

What To Do?

Now we are ready to face the second issue you bring up: “Where does one go from here?” I detect frustration in your question. That’s totally understandable – but it’s also an indicator that something is askew. I think it has to do with expectations. You are wondering how you can develop trust when you don’t have much. You are wondering how to develop gratitude when you don’t have humility. You are wondering how to develop humility when you have formed such a strong and deep pattern of self-reliance.

Let me answer your question with a question. Let’s pretend you don’t know how to play tennis, but you decide that you want to learn. How do you do it? How do you go from zero to beginner to intermediate to advanced? How do you develop the physical skills and coordination and muscle memory necessary for tennis, when you have none of those things? The answer, I think you will agree, is fairly simple. You learn to play tennis by playing tennis.

Holy Tennis

Growth in virtue (trust, confidence in God, surrender, humility, and gratitude) is similar.  Virtues are moral habits, just as like skills are physical habits. They are developed under two conditions. First, we need to have the raw material. Future tennis players have to have the normal use of all the major muscle groups (you can’t play tennis without arms). Future saints have to have the normal use of human nature: “heart, soul, mind, and strength” as our Lord put it (Luke 10:27). From your question, it is clear that you have the raw material. Now you just need to begin to put it into action. Virtues are not developed “once and for all.” We can never check a virtue off our “to-do” list. We grow in trust, little by little, by trusting. We grow in humility, little by little, by exercising self-denial. We grow in gratitude, little by little, by saying thank you, sincerely and intentionally, over and over again, especially when we don’t feel like it. The sacraments nourish these efforts; prayer and spiritual reading/study informs and enlightens these efforts; the Holy Spirit – directly, through a spiritual director or mentor, through faith-based friendships, and through God’s Providence – will coach you.

St. John of the Cross put it succinctly when writing about the virtue of love (which is the core of every virtue, so it applies equally to trust, humility, gratitude…): “Where there is no love, put love, and you will find love.”

As long as you are patient, even the tiniest effort to trust God will give God’s grace a chance to touch your soul and strengthen the very trust that you are using. Remember, at Baptism you received sanctifying grace and the gifts of the Holy Spirit, and at Confirmation you received a strengthening of them. God is already at work in your life.  He is drawing you closer to him. The journey will take your whole life, so don’t think that you have to make yourself perfect before God can do anything with you. On the contrary! God is already working in and through your life! Your desire to know and follow him better is already a clear sign that you are growing!

Two Time-Tested Trust Workouts

On a practical level, the saints all agree on two spiritual exercises that directly strengthen our capacity to trust God.

First, meditating on Christ’s Passion. As we gaze on Christ “loving us to the end” (John 13:1), our fears are quelled and we realize, gradually, that even though everyone else may have betrayed us and wounded us and lost their trustworthiness, Christ will never betray us. He is worthy of our trust. No matter what happens, he will keep on loving us. That’s one of the core messages of the Passion. On this point, I would greatly encourage you to watch The Passion of the Christ, and go through it gradually, using Inside the Passion as a kind of study guide, or guide for meditating on this central mystery of our faith.

Second, focus on discovering and embracing God’s will in the nitty-gritty of your daily life. We know what God’s will is through his Commandments, through the teachings of the Church, through the duties of our state in life, and through the circumstances of God’s Providence. Lord, what do you want me to do right now? That question, that prayer, is a powerful ally in your path of growing trust. Because every time we accept and embrace, and try to fulfill, God’s will, even with a fragile love and flimsy faith, we are actually exercising our trust in God. We are saying, “Okay Lord, I don’t really understand this completely, but I know that you want me to do it, so here goes…” That counts for simple tasks like washing the dishes. And it counts for more daunting tasks like talking about the faith or defending a Catholic position in a conversation at work. This is especially true when God’s will contradicts our natural preferences. That’s when we get to carry our own crosses, which is the privileged place for exercising, and therefore growing in, our trust in God.

We have done some related posts on these issues that you may want to read or re-read: a two-part post on trusting in God, and a two-part post on discerning God’s will.  If you keep those elements in play, you can be sure that you are making progress, regardless of how you may feel at any given moment.

Follow Your Call!!!

Finally, you mention at the beginning of your post that your trust issues have been “an invisible wall” in following what may be a vocation to the religious life. That may be a ruse of the devil. Being holy is not a requirement for entering religious life. In fact, a religious vocation, like any vocation, is actually, first and foremost, a specific path for growth in holiness. If your heart quickens at the thought of entering religious or consecrated life, you should act on it now. Visit religious congregations; speak with consecrated persons; keep taking whatever next step God puts in your mind until you discover your path. Don’t rush, but don’t delay! Maybe a good next step would be to finish the Spiritual Exercises retreat that you started (you mentioned that you “attempted” to do the Exercises – sounds like you didn’t finish!). If you like that idea, I can highly recommend my confreres’ who preach Spiritual Exercises Retreats here. In any case, if God has put that question in your heart, you can be sure that doing what you can to answer that question will help put you on the fast track to greater intimacy with him, and that’s what it’s all about.

God bless you!

Abandonment XX – God’s Will Effects Sanctification

It is only because they do not know how to make use of God’s action that so many Christians spend their lives anxiously pursuing a multitude of methods of perfection. These might prove useful if ordained by God’s will, but they actually become injurious the moment they keep us from simply surrendering ourselves to God’s will. These multiplied means cannot give what we find only in the will of God – that principle of all life which is constantly with us, and which stamps each of its instruments with its own character and causes its original and unique action in us.

Jesus has given us a teacher whom we do not heed sufficiently. He speaks to every heart and to each one he utters the word of life, the only word applicable to us. But we do not hear it. We want to know what he has said to others and do not listen to what has said to us. We do not sufficiently regard circumstances as having been given a supernatural significance by God’s action. We should always accept them with the perfect confidence they merit, with an open heart and with generosity, sure that nothing will harm those who receive them this way. This limitless activity, which is the same from the beginning to the end of time, goes on every moment, giving itself in all its greatness and strength to the simple soul who adores it, loves it, and rejoices in it alone.

You would be delighted, you say, to find an opportunity of dying for God’s sake. Such heroism enchants you. To lose all, to die, forsaken and alone, to sacrifice your life for others – such are the glorious deeds that charm you!

As for me, O Lord, let me glorify Your will in all things. In it I find all the happiness of martyrdom, bodily austerities, and the sacrifice of self for others. Your will is enough, and I am content to live and die as it decrees. It pleases me more for its own sake than all the means it uses and the effects it produces, because it permeates all things and makes them divine, and transforms them all into itself. It is heaven on earth to me, and all my moments are full of God’s action. So living or dying, I shall always remain content with that.

Yes, my Beloved, I shall no longer single out times or ways but shall welcome You always and in any fashion. It seems to me, O divine Will, as if You had revealed your immensity to me. I will walk henceforth in the bosom of Your infinity, You who are the same today, yesterday, and forever. Streams of mercy never-ceasing have their springs in You. From You they begin and continue, and they are changed at Your will. No longer will I seek You within narrow limits of a book or the life of a saint, or of some sublime idea. No, these are but drops of that great ocean that covers every created thing. Your divine will floods them all. They are but atoms that disappear  in this unfathomable sea. I will no longer look for Your will merely in the thoughts of spiritual persons. No longer will I beg my bread from door to door. I will depend on no creature, but I will live as the child of an infinitely good, wise and powerful Father whom I desire to please and make happy. I would live as I believe, and since Your activity works in everything and at every moment for my sanctification, I will draw my life from this great and boundless reservoir, ever present and ever available in the most practical way.

Is there any creature anywhere whose action equals that of God? And since this uncreated Hand directs all that comes to me shall I go in search of aid from created things? Such creatures are powerless, ignorant, and indifferent to me, and I should die of thirst rushing from one fountain to another, from one stream to another, when there is a sea at hand whose waters surround me on every side.

Yes, all that happens to me becomes bread to nourish me, soap to cleanse me, fire to purify me, a chisel to carve heavenly features on me. Everything is a channel of grace for my needs. The very thing I sought everywhere else seeks me incessantly, and gives itself to me by means of all created things.

O Love of God, will men never see that You meet them at every step, while they seek You here and there, where You are not to be found? How foolish to be in open country and not breathe its pure air! to search for a spot on which to place my foot when I may find Him and taste Him and find His will present in everything!

Good people, do you seek the secret of belonging to God? The only way is to make use of everything He sends you. Everything leads to this union. Everything may perfect it except sin and that which is contrary to your duty. You have but to accept all that he sends and let it do its work in you.

Everything is intended to guide, uphold and support you. Everything is the hand of God. God’s action is vaster and more present to you than the elements of earth, air, and water. God will even enter by means of all the senses, provided you use them only as He ordains, because you must guard them and close them to all that is contrary to His will. There is not a single atom in your frame, even the marrow of your bones, that is not formed by divine power. From that power everything proceeds. By it all things are made. Your very life-blood flows through your veins by movement His power imparts. All the variations of your system, between strength and weakness, sluggishness and liveliness, life and death are divine means put in motion to effect your sanctification. Under His will, every bodily state becomes an operation of grace. All your thoughts, all your emotions, whatever their apparent source, proceed from this invisible hand. No created mind or heart can teach you what His divine action will do in you. You will learn it through experience. Your life flows on unceasingly into this unfathomable Sea, where we have but to love and accept at best what each present moment brings, with perfect trust in God’s divine action, His will which can only work for good.

Yes, divine Love! All souls might attain supernatural, praiseworthy, incomparably sublime states if they would only be satisfied with Your will in action!

Yes, if they would but leave matters in this divine hand, they would attain a notable degree of holiness! Everyone would arrive at it because it is offered to all. You have but to open your heart and God will act. Every soul possesses in You, O God, an infinitely perfect model, and by Your action You work ceaselessly to make us in Your image. If we were faithful, we would all live, act and speak divinely. We would not need to copy one another, but would be shaped individually through the most ordinary things.

How, O my God, can I make your children appreciate what is offered to them? Must I, possessing a treasure that could make the whole world rich, see beloved souls perish in poverty? Must I watch them withering like plants in a desert when I can show them the source of living waters?

Come, simple souls, you who have no feeling of devotion, no talent, not even the first elements of instruction – you who cannot understand a single spiritual term, who stand astonished at the eloquence of the learned whom you admire; come, and I will teach you a secret which will place you far beyond these clever minds. I will make perfection so easy you will find it everywhere and in everything. I will unite you to God, and He will hold you by the hand from the moment you begin to practice what I tell you. Come, not to learn the map of this spiritual country, but to possess it, to walk in it at your ease without fear of losing your way. Come, not to study the theory of God’s grace, or to learn what it has done in the past and is still doing, but simply to be open yourself to what it can do. You do not need to know what it has said to others, or repeat words intended only for them which you have overheard. His grace will speak to you, yourself, what is best for you.

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Abandonment XVI – The Hidden Work of Divine Love

What great truths are hidden from the eyes even of Christians who think themselves most enlightened! How few among them understand that every cross, every circumstance, every leading of the will of God gives us God Himself in a way that can best be explained by comparing them with the most august Mystery of all, the Holy Eucharist.

Yet what is more certain? Does not reason as well as faith reveal to us the presence of divine love in all creatures, and in all the events of life, just as indisputably as the words of Jesus Christ and of the Church reveal the presence of the sacred flesh of our Savior under the Eucharistic elements? Do we not know that by all created things, and by every event God’s love desires to unite itself to us, that He has ordained, arranged, or permitted everything that concerns us, everything that happens to us, with a view to this union? This is the sole end of all His designs. To attain this He uses the worst as well as the best of His creatures, the most distressing events as well as those which are pleasant and agreeable, and the more naturally repellant the means of that union, the more meritorious it becomes.

If this is true, why should not each moment of our lives become a form of communion with the love of God? And why should not this communion of every moment produce as much fruit in our souls as that which we receive in the Communion of the Body and Blood of the Son of God? The holy Eucharist, it is true, has a sacramental efficacy which the “sacrament of the present moment” cannot have, but on the other hand, how much more frequently can this form of communion be repeated! And how greatly may its value be increased by the growing perfection of our dispositions towards it! Consequently, how true it is that the more holy the life, the more mysterious it becomes by its apparent simplicity and lowliness!

O heavenly banquet! O never-ending feast! God ever given and received in utter infirmity, weakness and nothingness! That which human nature abhors and human reason rejects, God chooses and makes into mysteries, sacraments of love, and by that which seems as if it would do most harm to souls, He gives Himself to them as often and as much as they desire to possess Him.

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