How should I prepare for a meeting with my spiritual director?

Q: Dear Father John, How should I prepare for a meeting with my spiritual director?

A: Preparation for spiritual direction can be divided into three parts.

1. Remote preparation. Preparing for your next spiritual direction starts during the last moment of your previous spiritual direction. By making a note of the key insights that you received during direction, and by identifying some concrete actions you will work on, you create your own spiritual map for the coming month.

You can capture the insights in meaningful phrases, like “discouragement never comes from God” or “I am impatient because I am arrogant.” You can capture concrete actions in motivational phrases, like “I spend the first three minutes of my commute thanking God for today’s blessings” or “When I come home, I give the first ten minutes entirely to my wife” or “When my friends start to gossip, I change the topic.” Put these phrases in your planner, your journal, your home page – wherever you will be sure to see them regularly. Don’t leave spiritual direction without this map. (By the way, it is not necessary to invent new points in every spiritual direction, but sometimes changing a word or two on a previous phrase can refresh it for you, or sharpen it. Also, your insights and concrete actions should be connected to your “program” or “rule” of life; you should perceive the connection clearly.)

2. Proximate preparation. The day before your spiritual direction, take some time to sit down and look over the map you made after the last spiritual direction. Asking the Holy Spirit for light, analyze the following areas, making notes where relevant (e.g. I really made progress on this point; I made no progress here, and I am not sure why; this crisis came up and it totally derailed me…). Remember, always include the question “Why?” as part of your analysis. The analysis will leave you with things to report and questions to ask. This will be the agenda for your spiritual direction. (Your spiritual director may suggest alterations to the following list; it is meant to be a reference point.)

A) The general state of your soul since last spiritual direction

B) Difficulties or failures in your moral life since last spiritual direction

C) The effectiveness of your motivational phrases from last spiritual direction

D) Progress on and results of the concrete actions chosen after your last spiritual direction

E) The main points of your program of life, if they were not covered in C and D.

F) Challenges and progress in your prayer life, if they were not covered in C and D.

G) The quality of the key relationships and responsibilities of your state in life, if they were not covered in C and D.

You will not necessary have a lot to say to your spiritual director during each spiritual direction regarding every single one of these points. But as you go through them you will identify those points that you really do need or want to address. This proximate preparation, the calm and prayerful analysis of these areas, is like cleaning out the garage: it refreshes your soul and motivates you to look with enthusiasm towards the coming month of spiritual work.

3. Immediate preparation. A few minutes before your spiritual direction, make a visit to our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament to put everything in his hands. If the Eucharist is not nearby, say a prayer to the Holy Spirit to guide you and your director. Make sure you have the notes from your proximate preparation. Finally, call to mind the real goal of all spiritual direction: to discover more clearly God’s action in your life, and to equip you to respond generously to what he is asking of you.

PS: Dan has a new book out on Spiritual Direction that you can find more about at www.NavigatingtheInteriorLife.com. It is scheduled to release later this year. In it, you will find more helpful information on this topic and spiritual direction in general.

How do I know if I am ready for spiritual direction?

Q: Dear Father John, Though I have read many of your posts on spiritual direction, I am still struggling with taking the leap and making an appointment. I do want to grow in my relationship to Christ but how do I know if I am really ready for this and it is the right thing for me right now? It is a bit intimidating and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time…

A: Relax. The first thing you need to know is that God is already hard at work in your soul. The mere fact that you are having this struggle is proof of it. Really. Imagine how pleased our Lord is as he sees you wanting to come closer to him and wondering about whether spiritual direction is a good next step… So many of his children never think of him at all, and you are thinking about new ways to know, love, and follow him better! This is clear evidence that the Holy Spirit is guiding you. And if he has been guiding you thus far, he will continue to do so. As Cardinal Newman put it in one of his famous poems: “…So long Thy power has blessed me; sure it still will lead me on…” Be sure he will keep leading you on.

The easiest way for you to see if you are ready for this is to try it. For example, you could go on a retreat (preferably a spiritual exercises retreat), and meet with a spiritual director during the retreat. See how it goes, see what it feels like, see if it helps you. Or, you could simply ask for a one-time meeting with a spiritual director to talk about what you are doing and what more you could be doing to grow spiritually. Having an initial experience will help you discern if God is offering you this means of growth. You can do this without making a long-term commitment.

But in general, I would offer two other reflections. First, spiritual direction is not just for the elite. Every Christian can benefit from this kind of guidance, as long as they are sincere about trying to know, love, and follow Jesus more closely. You may have the impression that spiritual direction is only for spiritual marines. No. As a general principle, I would say that spiritual direction is the right thing for everyone all the time, if it is the kind of direction we are describing here on this site.

Second, you may be overestimating the role of spiritual direction. You don’t graduate from confession to spiritual direction, for example. Not at all. The sacraments, moral virtue, and prayer remain the irreplaceable staples of our spiritual diets. Spiritual direction merely helps us make better use of those means of growth that God has given us. It helps us create more space for the Holy Spirit to work in and through us. It is like a catalyst for improvement in the other, more central relationships and activities of life in a fallen world. Getting spiritual direction doesn’t involve leaving any of those things behind.

Finally, don’t listen to the voice saying that you would be wasting someone’s time. If you are willing to be sincere and docile in receiving direction, and if God provides someone willing to direct you, that person will be fulfilling their mission (as a spiritual director) by helping you fulfill your mission of drawing closer to Christ. And what could be a better use of time than that?

Yours in Christ, Father John Bartunek, LC, STL

Drawing: The artwork is from Karen Ku. If this link doesn’t work, go to www.karenku.com

How much should I reveal to my spiritual director on my first visit?

Q: Dear Catholic Spiritual Direction, how much are you supposed to reveal to your spiritual director on your first visit? Are you supposed to go back to your first sin, like a general confession? I have found a priest who is willing to be my spiritual director, and I just want to know how much and how far back should I discuss with him on my first meeting.

A: Great questions! I will address the easy one first.

What does your spiritual director want you to reveal in your first visit?

The answer to this will likely be very simple. Good directors know that the first and most important task is to make a personal connection with you. They know that trust and openness only develops in an atmosphere of personal relationship. So, the simple answer is to ask them what they would like you to come prepared to discuss.

With respect to the specifics of your question, I very much doubt that they will have any interest in sins of your distant past. Their task is to identify where you are today in your spiritual journey and to work with you to discern the path that God is calling you to today.

On to the more difficult question.

What do you want to reveal, or what should you reveal, in your first visit?

In my upcoming handbook on spiritual direction, I discuss this in detail. Before you continue on to the exercises I suggest below, it would be good if you could print this out and take it with you, along with a notebook and pen, into adoration. Spend some time in quiet before the Lord and ask for the help of the Holy Spirit to reveal to you the things that are most important on your journey to him.

Basically, so that you are well prepared, you should review the spiritual history of your life in stages or periods (preteen, teen, young adult, etc.). Note the highlights and lowlights of your relationship with God. Take care to be clear about your current drive to seek spiritual direction. What triggered this impulse? Is there  a significant life event that has you thinking more about eternal matters? For instance, often the death or severe illness of a loved one can draw us to the well of suffering and exploration of our spiritual lives.

Next, outline your present spiritual status. How is your prayer life? Are you struggling with any particular aspect of prayer? How often do you participate in the sacraments of the Church? How often do you go to confession, adoration, Mass, etc.? What is your perception of God? What motivates you in your spiritual life? Is your motivation based on fear? Is it based on duty? Is it based on love?

Finally, outline your goals for spiritual direction. What is it that you hope to gain from your work in spiritual direction?

Well, I could say a lot more (and do so in the book), but this should be a good start.

I would be grateful to hear how it goes (both the preparation and the meeting).

Be assured you are in my prayers.

Seek Him – Find Him – Follow Him,

Dan

PS: Don’t forget to review our collection of posts on the topic of spiritual direction. There is a great deal more that you would likely find helpful there.

Concern about seeking out and approaching a spiritual director? – Part II – Getting the first meeting set up

In our first post in this two part series we talked about the challenges and perspectives that can stifle our progress in taking the first step with a spiritual director. Now that you have prayed, read, and followed applicable advice, the next steps are easy. Don’t worry that you are not an expert or that you might forget or fail to handle each aspect of this relationship perfectly. This is not the time for timidity or scrupulosity – it is a time to get moving in the right direction. Here is a basic list of suggestions (we obviously assume that you have chosen the person you will seek direction from):

• Contact them and ask them for a 20 minute meeting to have a “brief discussion about your spiritual life.” You don’t need to be elaborate here – just be brief and to the point. Don’t despair if they don’t have the time – consider it a sign that you need to look for someone else.
• Prepare yourself for the meeting. Review the post “How should I prepare myself for a meeting with my spiritual director,” and do the work. Ensure that you limit your discussion to very specific goals or challenges you are facing.
• Arrive at least five minutes before your scheduled time.
• Be sure you have a notebook and pen in hand – and that the first page has a brief list of the two to five points you want to discuss.
• Write down and repeat back the direction you received during the last five minutes of your meeting. Ask your director or potential director if you have properly understood their advice. This indicates that you are serious and are listening – a worthy investment of time.
• End your appointment on time. Be careful to watch the clock if you tend to be gregarious and talkative. If you are obviously sensitive to their schedule, they will recognize that you value their time and will be more open to your next request. If you talk on and on and come in unprepared, be prepared for difficulty in getting follow-up meetings.
• Offer a donation at the conclusion of the meeting. It is normal to offer at least $20.00 to $30.00 for a 1/2 hour. Use your own discretion but be sensitive to the fact that they have given up valuable time to serve you toward Christ – an invaluable gift that deserves our tangible generosity in response.
• If all seems to go well, as you wrap up your meeting, ask if you can follow up later if you have more questions or need further insight. Ask your director what would be their preferred medium to do that (phone, email. or in person).
• When you meet again, as you open your meeting, review what they advised you to do in the last meeting and update them on your progress, questions, difficulties, etc.

With these tools in hand, your next step is to get on the phone and set an appointment. Regardless of the outcome, you are being obedient to the call of God. He will reward your courage and diligence and provide what you lack. In due time, I am sure that “He who began a good work in you, will bring it to completion…” (Philippians 4:9)

Seek Him – Find Him – Follow Him

Dan