Should I ask my spiritual director (a priest) to also be my confessor?

Q: Dear Becky, I have a question for you. I have a priest spiritual director that I usually travel more than an hour to see every month. I go to confession weekly and am wondering if it would be best to see the same priest for confession for continuity, etc. Before my spiritual director relocated, I most often saw him for confession because it worked out that way, and, I believe it was God who arranged it that way. Would it be appropriate to ask my spiritual director to also provide confession when we meet?

A: The fact that you are receiving the sacrament of reconciliation weekly, and are traveling a good distance to see your spiritual director each month shows that you are serious about becoming holy.  Keep up the good work!

The short answer to your question is that it can’t hurt to ask.  We need to be considerate of our priests’ time, yet also remember that they became priests to help us to heaven.

Your concern for continuity shows that you understand the value of developing an ongoing relationship with your confessor, this is good.  And since we confess our sins, not to the priest, but to Jesus via the priest, receiving spiritual direction at this time is a very good idea.

Going to confession and receiving spiritual direction at the same time is a huge blessing.  There is special grace here because of the sacramental nature of confession, and it saves you from having to repeat or explain your struggles to your spiritual director when you see him each month.   If you have a good priest who can provide at the same time, both confession and sound spiritual direction, you are very blessed; this would be the optimal situation.

I can only assume from your question that the physical distance between you and your director has prevented you from seeing him more often.

That said, a few questions come to mind that you should discuss with your director.

First, does your spiritual director have the time/flexibility to see you more frequently?  If he does, do you have the means (time and cost of transportation), to make that trip more often? If not, you might want to alternate confession time (local for three weeks, then once a month with your priest/spiritual director).

Second, are you at a place where you can safely reduce the frequency of your confessions? If you are at a stage where you are not often tempted to mortal sin, it might be prudent to exchange frequent confessions for fewer that are more fruitful. You would, of course, still have the ability to make a confession with a local priest as needed.

That you believe God arranged for you to have this specific priest as your confessor is probably a reliable instinct.  If you think about it, having one person who sees the ‘whole’ of our spiritual life makes good sense. God knows what is best for us, and as we progress on the journey of the soul He may guide us to modify some practices in order to develop new ones.

Your spiritual director will be able to give you advice tailor made for your situation. Talk this over with him as appropriate matter for spiritual direction discussion.

How can a woman build an appropriate relationship with a priest?

Q: Dear Father John, I am a woman working hard to deepen my relationship with Christ.  In this process, I have begun to befriend priests.  I wonder how you would suggest molding relationships with clergy to maintain detachment yet create mutually beneficial relationships.

A:  This is a real issue.  We have all read or heard about tragic tales of priests having affairs with married or single women whom they were directing spiritually.  And many times, both the priest and the woman are upstanding members of the parish, honest and fervent Catholics.  None of us wants that to happen.

Two concepts can, I think, help answer your question and shed some light on the situation: realism and respect.

Realism

We have all got to be realistic.  People are people; men are men; women are women.  This doesn’t change when a woman begins to seek holiness.  This doesn’t change when a man becomes a priest.  Neither chastity nor celibacy is maintained and matured by pretending that certain circumstances will remove all temptation.  And temptation can be especially subtle precisely in the midst of a relationship that begins on a deep spiritual level – the level where a priest and a female directee are interacting.

In this relationship, the woman receives affirmation and guidance regarding the living out of her faith.  This can be deeply satisfying.  The emotional release and joy that overflows from spiritual growth can lead her, little by little, often subconsciously, to depend on the priest not only for spiritual support affirmation, but also for emotional support.  Temporarily, in moments of crisis, this can be fine.  But if it becomes habitual, the emotional momentum can easily, and tragically, begin to override the spiritual connection, and the chaste relationship can be compromised.

A similar dynamic can happen from the priest’s perspective.  If he feels a natural attraction towards a particular female directee, he can begin enjoying and looking for the emotional connection that he feels when interacting with her.  He may look for it consciously, or subconsciously.  At this point, his purity of heart is already being threatened, and he is vulnerable to temptation.  If he then enters a period of personal difficulty or spiritual dryness (and this happens periodically – it’s normal), he will feel drawn to look for tangible comfort and understanding, instead of courageously bearing his cross and renewing his faith-commitment until the storm passes.  At that point, going to a female directee with whom he is already emotionally involved will seem like a direct, clear, and satisfying solution.

The most obvious application of this concept is that women need to develop faith-based friendships with women where they receive emotional support.  They should be very clear about what they seek from their relationships with priests: spiritual support and guidance, encouragement and instruction in their faith and in their pursuit of holiness.  Priests need to have faith-based friendships with men, preferably brother priests, wherein they receive their emotional support.  They must take seriously their role as spiritual fathers in relation to the people God gives them to serve.

This doesn’t mean that priests and women can’t be friends.  What it means is that this particular friendship has a specific character and purpose, and that needs to be acknowledged and accepted.

By the way, this complex dynamism is often at work in relationships between lay people too, relationships that can lead to adultery.  We can never pretend that we are immune from temptation, that we have conquered perfectly and forever the beautiful, powerful, and fruitful virtue of chastity.  We need to be realistic.

Respect

As a result, in all interactions between women and priests, each party must have and show respect for the other’s calling in life.  This starts in the heart: being brutally honest with oneself about emotional charges and attachments as soon as they begin to appear.  But it has a lot of practical manifestations too.  A good rule of thumb is to avoid situations where outsiders could infer the appearance of something unhealthy.  Here are some practices that have been common in Church tradition, and that even married Protestant ministers (like Billy Graham) have found helpful:

• A priest and a woman (who is not a family member) should avoid riding in cars together, just the two of them.
• A priest should wear his clergy attire when giving direction to a woman.
• Spiritual direction should take place in a room with windows or an open space where others can see what’s happening.
• Spiritual direction should take place during normal working hours, not late at night.
• A priest and a woman (again, a woman who is not a family member) should avoid getting together tête-à-tête casually, or for simply social reasons.

I am sure we could each extend the list.  And, again, similar respect should govern other relationships too – a single man and a married woman, for example.

I want to be explicit about the reason behind this mutual respect.  It is not because the Church considers femininity intrinsically evil.  It is not because the Church considers sex intrinsically evil.  On the contrary, it is precisely because the Church herself respects the reality of gender in God’s plan and the sacredness of sexual intimacy that chastity is valued in the first place.  But the Church is not naïve.  We live in a fallen world and bear a wounded human nature.  Therefore, we must make a conscious effort to be faithful to God’s plan for our lives.  When it comes to a relationships between women and priests, that conscious effort must include sincere respect for God’s plan for each person.

An interview with Archbishop Naumann on Spiritual Direction and a New School For Spiritual Direction

I recently had the opportunity to interview with his Excellency Archbishop Naumann of the archdiocese of Kansas City, Kansas for Register Radio on an important work going on in his archdiocese to train spiritual mentors. Because of the time constraints of the show we had to cut it down quite a bit. Below you will find the content of the longer interview.

Archbishop Naumann has a deep commitment to the spiritual welfare of those under his care and has demonstrated that commitment through tangible and significant means of catechesis and formation that I hope inspires other diocese and laypeople to pursue the same. I have had the opportunity to review the content of a number of the courses provided by the School of Faith and I highly recommend them, particularly to those who believe they are called to provide spiritual direction. Here’s the transcript of the interview:

Archbishop Naumann, welcome to the program.

Thanks Dan, it is good to be with you.

Archbishop, Pope Benedict has consistently encouraged the faithful to pursue spiritual direction during his pontificate. On his recent visit to the Teresianum he went as far as to recommend it “not only to all those who wish to follow the Lord up close, but to every Christian who wishes to live responsibly his baptism, that is, the new life in Christ.” I have two questions related to the Pope’s comments. First, what exactly is spiritual direction, and second, why do you think the pope is so strongly recommending it to all Christians?

Spiritual direction is accessing a spiritual guide who can help you grow more rapidly in your spiritual life than you could on your own. It is going to someone who has training and expertise in guiding a person through the spiritual life, helping them see the opportunities for growth and holiness and then charting with them a plan to do that. It is really somebody that accompanies you on your spiritual journey and serves as a guide. Just like a personal trainer for your physical well-being can help you get in shape more quickly, so too a spiritual director is a trainer in the spiritual life.

Regarding the Pope’s recommendation of spiritual direction to all, I think the Holy Father has a pastors heart and he realizes that the aim of, the goal of the Church, is to help people draw close to Jesus and to grow in relationship to the Lord in holiness. And, for all of us, not just for priests, consecrated, or religious, spiritual direction can be a great help to anyone that is serious about really growing closer to the Lord and learning how to better pray and build a spiritual life.

It is interesting that the Pope says “not only to all those who wish to follow the Lord up close” which seems to be a reference to priests, consecrated, and religious, but really, this should be the desire of every Catholic – to follow the Lord up close. I think he is encouraging all Catholics to do what is prudent, what can help all Catholics get closer to Christ more quickly; and that would be to have a spiritual director, spiritual mentor, or guide in the spiritual life.

Around the time the Pope was speaking these words, a new school opened in your diocese for spiritual mentors – can you tell us about that? What was the impetus behind this effort?

I hope the impetus was the Holy Spirit, not necessarily a brain child of mine. But it developed because of the unique ways we have been blessed in the Archdiocese. We have a group that has really helped us with adult catechesis called the School of Faith. They originally began their efforts at the University of Kansas at the St. Lawrence Catholic Campus Center.  At that same center, some years ago, we were able to attract a new religious community called the Apostles of the Interior Life. They were a complement to this catechetical program because the program was opening people to the beauty of the truths of our faith and creating a desire for them to want to know the Lord more. The charism of the Apostles of the Interior Life is spiritual direction so we had these young people who were primed to pursue their spiritual development and then we were able to support them with spiritual directors.

Then, the School of Faith wanted to broaden their offerings beyond the St. Lawrence Center to reach more adults and I specifically asked them if they could help with the formation of our Catholic school teachers. As they did this, then we had a greater number of people looking for spiritual direction. Because we only had six of the members of the Apostles of the Interior Life, we were limited as to how many people we could support in spiritual direction.

I asked the Apostles if they would consider helping to train more spiritual directors in order to increase the availability of spiritual direction to meet the demand.

Their school opened in May?

Yes, they had their first gathering in May to start a two and half year process. Individuals come for an entire week for catechetical training, personal spiritual development, and the training in how they can help others that they would accompany in the spiritual life. Four times during the course of the year they will come together for a full week, in between these times there are online materials that they work through. The school doesn’t provide the full training that the Apostles of the Interior Life has for spiritual direction (they have graduate degrees from universities in Rome). Still we believe it will be enough to be able to provide sound mentoring to those who are trying to be able to grow in their spiritual lives.

I hear that the response has been great. How have people responded to the spiritual mentoring course offerings? Did the courses generate a lot of interest?

We were hoping we could get at least thirty people to launch the effort in order to make the economics of the school work. We were thrilled when we had over sixty come and we had to put a cap on the number of attendees.

Archbishop, in some informal research that I have done on the topic of spiritual direction and the interest out there I have had 6,000 people respond to a simple question, about their perspective on spiritual direction. Almost 2,000 responded that they are in a spiritual direction relationship. Over 4,000 indicated that they wished they were in a relationship or that they were yearning for a deeper relationship with Christ and wanted and understood that a director might help them to achieve that. Do you have any ideas or encouragement for people about how to find a spiritual director or mentor in other diocese?

That is a great question. The numbers don’t surprise me. As a pastor you hope that you can create a hunger in people to want this fullness, this abundant life that Jesus talks about that is really the fruit of a strong rich relationship with the Lord in prayer. For finding a spiritual director, I would encourage people first of all to start with their pastor to determine if he himself is willing and able to help depending on the size of their parish and his workload. Your pastor may also be aware of other resources. If there is a monastery in your area often times the monks or in the case of sisters, they may be equipped to do that. If there is a retreat center near you often times they will provide directed retreats and they might have a list of potential spiritual directors as well. These are some of the ways that I would encourage people begin looking. They could go to your website, your blog as well probably. [Archbishop was referring to my blog, Roman Catholic Spiritual Direction]

Thank you, that’s a good plug. I’ll have to add the information that they can find out more tips on how to do that [I created an index you can find here.]. It is a challenge sometimes to find a director. But we do understand that our priests are overloaded. Sometimes, is it not true that in confession we can ask our priests for practical advice can’t we?

Absolutely, I think that in most cases priests would welcome that. It is an advantage if you can have a spiritual director who also can be your confessor. This is a great blessing. Regular use of the sacrament of penance or reconciliation is one way that you can find a lot of good help and guidance.

Archbishop, thank you so much for joining us here on Register Radio. Thank you for what you are doing in the Archdiocese. It is a great encouragement to hear of the resources you are providing to train spiritual mentors. From what I hear as well, people can come to your school from outside of the state to get training?

Yes, about two-thirds of the participants are from our area and a third are from all over the country. We hope we can assist other dioceses in this way as well.

Archbishop as we close can you give us your priestly blessing?

May the blessing of God descend upon all of our listeners and remain with them forever. Amen

To find out more about faithful catechesis go to www.SchoolOfFaith.com. To learn more about the Apostles of the Interior Life click here.

Should spiritual directors charge for their services?

My recent post encouraging directees to respond in gratitude to their directors met with a firm rebuke in the com box that I have decided to address. The post was, “Should I pay my spiritual director?” Here is what one reader had to say, “You are wrong, wrong, wrong Dan Burke.  Paying for spiritual direction is simony and it is priests along who have the charism for spiritual direction.  What you are suggesting is like going to the supermarket for surgery.”

Well, as disagreements go, this one is pretty tame. The problem is that the person argues against a position that I have not posed. The post was not arguing that directors should formally charge a specific fee to a directee. I merely echoed what St. Paul encourages in scripture – we should respond generously and materially to those who bless us spiritually. Now, I did state what I have seen as the norm out there for those who do propose a fee. However, stating a norm is not the same as advocating for a norm.

So, all this begs the question, “Should spiritual directors charge for their services?”

Well, to be frank, it doesn’t really matter to me. I would never base my decision on whether or not to seek direction from a particular individual because they did or did not charge a fee. The argument that it is “simony” is specious on its face and I can’t make out the rest of the argument. Simon (from whom the term “simony” is derived) was a man in the book of Acts (chapter eight) who was rebuked by Peter for trying to purchase the gift of the Holy Spirit. The Catechism refers to simony as an issue where the sacraments are withheld to the poor because they are unable to pay for them.

2121 Simony is defined as the buying or selling of spiritual things. To Simon the magician, who wanted to buy the spiritual power he saw at work in the apostles, St. Peter responded: “Your silver perish with you, because you thought you could obtain God’s gift with money!” Peter thus held to the words of Jesus: “You received without pay, give without pay.” It is impossible to appropriate to oneself spiritual goods and behave toward them as their owner or master, for they have their source in God. One can receive them only from him, without payment.

2122 The minister should ask nothing for the administration of the sacraments beyond the offerings defined by the competent authority, always being careful that the needy are not deprived of the help of the sacraments because of their poverty.” The competent authority determines these “offerings” in accordance with the principle that the Christian people ought to contribute to the support of the Church’s ministers. “The laborer deserves his food.”

In my mind, there is nothing like that going on in spiritual direction, fee or no fee. In fact, I am aware that those who charge a fee often propose it merely as a suggestion and would not charge a fervent soul who could not pay but still needed the help. There may be good arguments against directors who charge for their services but the charge of simony doesn’t seem to me to be one of them (though I am open to argument).

That said, I have spoken with a number of prominent voices on the topic who hold that directors should not have a fee associated with what they do (including the director of a faithful school for spiritual direction). I have also talked with religious who are directed to never ask for or accept anything like a fee for their services. I have no issues with these positions. On the other hand, I know of faithful Catholic spiritual directors who do charge a fee. So, what is the true blue Catholic answer?

One of the things that I love about being Catholic is the absolute clarity on issues that are most important. To me, this doesn’t seem to be one of them. There is no magisterium faithful position on this one. So, it’s up to your better judgement. Still, since the number of responses was so high on the original post I thought it might be interesting to get your take on it. What do you think? What are the best arguments on both sides? Should directors charge a fee or not, and why?

Should I pay my spiritual director?

Q: I have found a spiritual director who is a Priest. I am so thankful for his direction and his time.  However, I don’t know how to repay him for the time he freely gives me each month.  It is awkward to offer him cash, so I haven’t.  I don’t want to insult him but I don’t want to leave him feeling unappreciated either.  I offer my prayers each day but I need to do more.  Do Priests that are spiritual directors usually get paid by each person or is this part of their ministry that they are paid for by their diocese?  It would be very uncomfortable but do I need to have this conversation with him?  Would a monetary gift every few months or yearly be acceptable?  What’s the norm or is there one?

A: This is great news! As well, your instinct is clearly reflective of God’s work in you. The normal response to the grace of God is the gratitude. Further good news is that at least part of the answer to your question is laid out very clearly for us in scripture.

St. Paul in his first letter to Timothy indicates that those who lead well, with respect to the souls in their care, are worthy of “double honor.”  This “honor” Paul speaks of is no less than material honor.  Yes, our priests and religious are often called to vows of poverty (diocesan priests are not required to take this vow).  However, this does not mean that they always have all that they need to live and carry out their work.  Lay people as well, who give of their time, often do so at the expense of career growth or other pursuits they might enjoy rather than spending their time serving us.  Regardless of where the money goes, our generosity is a reflection of the health of our souls and, for the health of our souls we should be particularly generous with anyone willing to invest their time in our spiritual well-being. With this foundation in place let’s break your question down into bite size pieces:

Should I pray for my spiritual director? Absolutely. In fact, since you have placed your soul in his care, it would be wise to make a significant commitment of prayer for him! A decade of the rosary for his intentions might be a great place to start.

It seems awkward to give him cash, how should I handle this? Write a check or put the cash in a sealed envelope. As you conclude your meeting and you are about to exit, simply hand him the envelope and say, “this is for you.” If the priest is a religious and you are worried about temptation regarding money and their vow of poverty, simply write the check out his congregation and deliver it to him in the same manner as described above.

Are priests paid by their diocese to give spiritual direction? I am not aware of any priest, religious, or layperson that gets paid by the diocese they operate in to give spiritual direction. Now, diocesan priests do get paid by their diocese to administer the sacraments and perform the duties of a pastor which certainly includes spiritual direction. However, in my opinion this is as much an issue of the soul of the directee as it is the need of director. Still, very few priests and religious are becoming wealthy from the work they do.

How much and how often should I give to my spiritual director? This depends on your means and the value of the service to you. Generosity can be reflected in giving very little if you have very little and giving a good deal if you have a great deal. I know of one instance where a woman received spiritual direction from a religious and decided to give a very large donation to her order. In the ordinary day to day world of spiritual direction  something in the realm of $25 to $75 per meeting is acceptable. If your means would have you on the lower end of the scale and you feel bad about it, simply write a note of appreciation and indicate that you are giving what you can and that you have committed a specific prayer offering each week for your director. If you have any particular training or capability you can offer in appreciation (like bookkeeping, or produce from farming etc.) then you can offer that instead of or on top of any small cash gift.

Finally, the greatest gift you can give your director is to give yourself to God in this process. Be attentive, write down what he asks you to do, follow up specifically, be on time, respect his time, listen, pray, and be holy.