Spiritual Direction – A Bishop’s Perspective – Part III of III

Below you will find a few different scenarios that a spiritual director may face. By reflecting on each scenario not only from the point of view of the spiritual director but also from the point of view of the one seeking direction, we can gain a better understanding of how we receive and give spiritual direction.

1. Someone calls to ask for spiritual direction; he/she was referred to you.

First, it’s important to ask a few questions, such as, “What exactly is this person looking for? Do they know what spiritual direction entails? Why were they referred to me? Do I have the time to give an hour a month to this person? Can I commit myself?”

A trained and qualified spiritual director who is busy with his/her own personal full time commitments should not accept more than eight directees. They should be selected by one simple criterion: “Can I be helpful to them?” The spiritual director ought to discern carefully and prayerfully before saying yes. It may be good to have a variety of directees (i.e., not all women or all men, or all priests or religious). Once a spiritual director says yes, he or she should commit to that person by prayer and availability.

2. Someone who has been with a particular spiritual director for a year expresses the desire to find someone new.

This may be the result of something on the side of the director or that of the directee. It is a cause for discernment for both. It may simply be that it is not a good fit. Nonetheless, the director must leave the directee free for this decision. Ultimately, it is the responsibility of the directee to pursue his or her own spiritual health and well-being.

3. Someone comes to talk about “spiritual dryness” in prayer.

The director should be careful not to make a hasty analysis. It is good to listen. Spiritual direction is about helping the directee respond to God’s movement in the soul. There may be obstacles to sensing this movement, and these obstacles can be discerned by direction, a retreat, some counseling, or by time set aside for leisure and prayer. The topic of discussion for spiritual direction ought to be the prayer life of the directee – how, when, why, and what helps or hinders prayer. This is the “stuff” of the conversations of spiritual direction.

4. Someone comes to talk about visions or locutions he or she has been having.

“I prefer the monotony of sacrifice to the ecstasy of spiritual experience,” said Saint Theresa, the “Little Flower.” This reminds us that the little acts of love and sacrifice are a great benefit to the soul. Locutions, visions, etc., must be discerned prayerfully. However, attention should be paid to the prayer life, personal morality, and developing virtues in the directee rather than focusing too much on those matters.

5. Someone who has been in spiritual direction for two years says that he or she is being led out of a traditional vocation during prayer.

This is cause for special attention and discernment. This discernment should be made over a year of retreats, monthly spiritual direction, and counseling (if needed). The spiritual director is important in guiding this process but does not make decisions for the directee. The process may take many different turns along the way. The spiritual director may need to confide in another person trained in spiritual direction to be sure he or she is giving the best possible guidance. Likewise, the directee must take every precaution against self-deception, which is easy to fall into and hard to detect by oneself.

6. Someone comes to a spiritual director, asking for help to discern a call to a religious, priestly, or diaconal vocation.

If a person comes seeking this kind of assistance, the spiritual director ought to give this top priority. As mentioned above, to the spiritual director guides the process, makes recommendations, and helps the directee to hear God’s voice but not make the final decision. The spiritual director may have his or her own preconceived ideas of what the directee should do, but it is very important to listen and encourage the directee to be as generous as possible with whatever God is asking.

7. A spiritual director expresses the desire to see a directee more often – even socially, if possible.

This crosses emotional boundaries and should not be done unless the directee finds another director. Only then is it prudent to develop a spiritual friendship. The spiritual director must be the one to protect the boundaries. He is always a father, never a peer. The relationship should not be one in which the director benefits from the directee in any way other than the spiritual satisfaction of knowing he is of some help to the directee. Spiritual direction should be a free gift offered and received without strings attached.

8. Someone who has worked with a spiritual director during the past year talks only about work, relationships, current problems, or dryness – and very little about prayer.

As mentioned above, prayer is the “stuff” of the conversation between director and directee. A discernment of the usefulness of spiritual direction might be in order if very little time is devoted to talking about prayer. Perhaps counseling, retreat work, better family or work relationships, new friendships, or something else can be suggested to the directee. The spiritual director should ask himself and the directee why there is so little talk about prayer.

9. Someone who has been in spiritual direction for two years complains about too much or too little direction.

Direction is more an art than a science. Too much advice is not good; neither is too little. The art of direction is very much a gift of the Holy Spirit that ought to be eagerly sought by both director and directee. Beginning each session with a prayer to the Holy Spirit is a good discipline. A spiritual director should always be improving his art. This can be done by talking to other directors or by some continuing education in the art of spiritual direction.

10. The spiritual director finds himself attracted to a certain person who comes for spiritual direction.

This is natural, but one must always remain alert. Spiritual direction is one of the most intimate of experiences. The director himself, and no one else, is always responsible for the boundaries – especially emotional boundaries. If the director feels that there is something inappropriate on the part of the directee, he should say so clearly in order to help the directee delve more deeply into the issue.

Spiritual directors must be aware of any flirting or suggestive talk and should have the courage to look at his or her own life soberly. If help is required, one’s own spiritual director should be consulted. No one should provide spiritual direction for others if that person does not also receive monthly spiritual direction. He may have to terminate the arrangement of serving as this person’s spiritual director if he cannot serve that person well or if his own weaknesses get in the way.

11. Someone asks a spiritual director for help in deciding what to do in a marital situation that has gone bad.

It is difficult to counsel one side of a marriage, but unfortunately it is hard to get both sides to agree to see someone together. Spiritual direction in itself is always helpful; this may also be the case for a spouse whose marriage is in need of help. Nonetheless, marital counseling may also be needed to compliment this. A good spiritual director knows how and when to guide a person to seek a good counselor, attend a retreat, schedule some time away for prayer, or engage in another spiritual discipline that may be helpful.

12. A spiritual director’s friend asks for help in discerning a vocational/personal crisis.

Friends are a special gift. Much spiritual direction takes place naturally in good friendships. Nonetheless, in this case, spiritual direction per se should be temporary and always with the suggestion that finding a spiritual director that is removed from the friendship side of things is a better option.

Conclusion

From this brief reflection on spiritual direction one can see that it is different from counseling, although there may be elements of this at times. It is also different from occasional advice given here and there. Spiritual direction is a consistent monthly relationship of support for the directee, and it is an art in itself. Spiritual direction is also different from occasional or frequent confession. A spiritual director who is happens to be a priest may choose to hear the confession of the directee if asked, but if the directee chooses to discuss this in spiritual direction, he or she must give explicit permission for the spiritual director to do so. The seal of confession must never be violated.

Discussions between a spiritual director and directee must always remain confidential. This should be understood by both director and directee from the very beginning. Good spiritual directors have learned the art of keeping confidences.

Spiritual direction is a special grace for both the one receiving it and the one giving it. The lived experience of those who have benefited from direction and those who serve as spiritual directors confirms this truth. The art of spiritual direction is much like prayer; it can only be learned by doing. Nonetheless, there is no substitute for reading and educating ourselves on this important matter. It is my hope that this brief introduction will serve to encourage us to do just that.

+Bishop Gregory Mansour+

Spiritual Direction – A Bishop’s Perspective – Part II of III

The idea of spiritual direction is a monastic idea; it began with the desert fathers and continues in the Church as a spiritual form of mentoring. It is not a magic pill to make all discernment easy, but rather an important element to be joined to a life of prayer, devotion, liturgy, and friendship. Its main goal is to help one discern and live the will of God as generously as possible. Father Merton writes that if spiritual direction is to be genuine it requires a “normal and spontaneous human relationship” (p.19). Likewise, spiritual direction assumes freedom and generous trust on the part of both the director and the directee.

Father Merton defines spiritual direction as “a continuous process of formation and guidance, in which a Christian is led and encouraged in his special vocation, so that by faithful correspondence to the graces of the Holy Spirit he may attain to the particular end of his vocation and to union with God” (p.13).

A spiritual director is not a figure of authority that one is obliged to obey. Nor does he take the place of our superiors. The virtue to be exercised in spiritual direction is not obedience but rather docility. The person seeking direction ought to see his director as a spiritual father and as a special gift from Christ to guide and assist him.

The director does not have to be an expert. Some people waste their time and make excuses because the “right director” has not yet appeared. Good spiritual directors do not have to be experts, because most of the help one receives from spiritual direction comes through God’s grace and one’s own efforts at being honest with himself and his or her director.

Again, Father Merton writes: “Some who lament the fact that they cannot find a director actually have all the opportunities for direction they really need, but they are not pleased with the available director because he does not flatter their self-esteem or cater to their illusions about themselves” (p.30). It takes courage to face oneself in the presence of another person, but this is needed to advance in the spiritual life.

In an attempt to encourage me to be more honest with myself, one of my spiritual directors once told me, “There is only one difference between you and me; I have been in the woods searching for my own way longer than you.” This was quite helpful, and it is true. Every soul’s true spiritual director is the Holy Spirit, who “guides us in all truth” (Jn 16:13). Yet since we believe that grace builds on nature, we know that divine assistance requires human effort. As Father Merton wrote, “We are encouraged to develop our natural simplicity, sincerity, and forthright spiritual honesty” (p.6). Spiritual direction, more than anything else with the exception of annual silent retreats and close personal friends, helps us to “be ourselves” – that is, the person God created us to be.

Spiritual direction is not psychological counseling. Counseling is at times needed for matters that go deep into our personal history, such as experiencing the authority of our parents growing up; personal traumas and/or difficulties we have faced; and hurts, losses, or disappointments that are difficult to heal. Those who seek spiritual direction may also need counseling at one time or another.

The purpose of spiritual direction is the same as the purpose of personal prayer and liturgy: to develop within ourselves a more generous and liberating union with Christ and a lively eagerness to do the will of the Father.

In our final post I will take you behind the scenes to guidelines I have provided to the priests under my care who provide spiritual direction. This should provide some interesting perspective to priests, spiritual directors and directees.

+Bishop Gregory Mansour+

Spiritual Direction – A Bishop’s Perspective – Part I of III

Dear Catholic Spiritual Direction Friends,

A few of you know that I travel a great deal between Connecticut and Colorado. When I am in Connecticut my home parish is Our Lady of Lebanon, a  parish of the Eparchy of Saint Maron in Brooklyn. I have had the opportunity to encounter Christ in Churches in Jerusalem, Rome and the United States and have participated in the liturgies of many different traditions within the Catholic Church. One of the most beautiful of these traditions is the Maronite rite. I strongly recommend that those among you who appreciate the depth and riches of our liturgical traditions attend at least one Maronite Mass. In this tradition you will discover there are at least three different languages commonly spoken, Aramaic (the native tongue of Christ), Arabic, and English. As well, most of the Mass is sung in the deeply moving chant tradition of the east. Maronites have cherished and preserved the riches of their liturgy in a way that is often hard to find in the west.

During a recent visit to Our Lady of Lebanon I came across the pastoral writings of Bishop Gregory John Mansour of the Eparchy of Saint Maron Brooklyn. I was moved by his honest and thoughtful exploration of prayer and the liturgy and the sacrament of penance. It was immediately obvious that Bishop Mansour is a man of prayer and depth. After a brief correspondence he agreed to write a few posts on the topic of spiritual direction. Below you will find the first of three. To find out more about Bishop Mansour and the beauty of the Maronite tradition, follow the links at the bottom of this post. Enjoy!

Seek Him – Find Him – Follow Him,

Dan

Spiritual Direction Part I of III

My spiritual director, Father John King, S.J., died June 13, 2008, while I was in Lebanon. He suffered from a brain tumor that took him in two months. I visited him in the hospital and then in the Jesuit infirmary at Fordham University. Two weeks before he died, during my last visit to him, I asked if his right hand still worked. “Are there any more blessings and pardon to be found there?” I placed his hand on my head; he smiled and thanked me for “being there” for him. John’s death was one more opportunity to “review my life,” as he would say each time he would give me absolution.

Beyond that of my parents, family, and friends, along with the ministry of Peter and the Church’s spiritual heritage, spiritual direction has been the most defining influence in my life. All during my seminary, priesthood, and service as bishop, I have seen my spiritual director on a consistent basis each month. Wise priests were my confessors and confidants. I hid nothing from them, and in each session I was challenged, comforted, advised, and – by the grace of God – absolved of my sins.

“Spiritual direction is not necessary for the ordinary Christian. But where there is a special mission or vocation a certain minimum of direction is implied by the very nature of the vocation itself.” These are the thoughts of Father Thomas Merton, a Trappist monk, in his superb little book Spiritual Direction and Meditation. For those called to priesthood or religious life, spiritual direction is essential, but I would add that it is also essential for those who want to be more accountable, more honest with themselves, more generous with God and others, and more at peace with God and themselves. It may “not be necessary for the ordinary Christian,” but anyone who loves God and desires to do his will can benefit from this ancient discipline.

In my next post we will briefly explore the purpose of spiritual direction.

+Bishop Gregory John Mansour+

Bishop Mansour is the Bishop of the Eparchy of Saint Maron of Brooklyn within the Maronite rite of the Catholic Church. Click here to learn more about Bishop Mansour, and the riches of the Maronite Catholic tradition.

Is spiritual direction just a more involved form of confession?

Q: Father John, what is the difference between confession and spiritual direction?

A: Confession and spiritual direction are like partially overlapping circles: they share some common characteristics, but their centers, their essences, are distinct.

The Distinction of Confession

The essence of confession is the sacramental grace that Christ gives to our soul through the ministry of his priest. When we open our hearts to him through sincere repentance and honest confession of our sins within the sacrament of reconciliation, we receive an infusion of grace that forgives our sins, strengthens our spiritual weakness (especially regarding the behaviors that we confessed), and increases the bond of our supernatural friendship with Christ. It also exercises and therefore increases the supernatural virtues of faith, hope, and charity. In confession, God acts on our soul the way a surgeon acts on a patient: directly, profoundly, in ways that we could never reproduce by merely natural efforts.

This is why we don’t have to worry even if the priest who hears our confession is taciturn, deaf, grumpy, in mortal sin, or even (God forbid) harsh. The priest is God’s instrument of grace within this sacrament, not the source of that grace.

The Distinction of Spiritual Direction

The essence of spiritual direction is solid advice. The spiritual director helps us see more clearly what God is asking of us and how he is acting in our lives. The director also helps us see objectively the quality of our response to God: are we being docile and humble, or are we just tricking ourselves into doing what we feel like? The spiritual director is like the physical therapist that helps us identify the exercises we need to be doing in order to grow spiritually, and then helps us adjust our spiritual program of work in order to keep it effective and on track. This is invaluable advice, but it is noticeably different than that surgeon who actually reconstructs a torn ligament or rebuilds a broken lung.

This is one of the reasons why nothing inhibits lay people from becoming excellent spiritual directors. Ordination is not required, just solid training in spiritual theology, ample personal experience in the spiritual life, and the Holy Spirit’s gifts of knowledge (discernment) and counsel. But God has reserved the sacrament of confession to his ordained priests, in order to guarantee that he acts directly therein.

The Overlap

Nevertheless, although the essences differ, the secondary characteristics of confession and spiritual direction can often overlap. A good confessor gives more than absolution; he also utilizes the sacred moment in which this person is opening their heart to God to remind them of God’s goodness, love, and wisdom. If he detects some confusion or frustration, he can also give sound advice, just as a spiritual director would do. If the penitent has questions or doubts, the confessor answers and resolves them. The atmosphere of faith in which the sacrament takes place is incomparably propitious for the action of the Holy Spirit and the penitent’s docility to that action. In past centuries, in fact, lay people usually received spiritual direction within the sacrament. They would go to the same priest regularly for confession, and this “confessor” became their spiritual father, their spiritual director. In more recent times, however, the practice of having separate spiritual direction, which used to be reserved for consecrated religious, has spread to the laity as well. This is linked to the Church’s growing emphasis on the lay vocation as a vocation to holiness, just as much as a religious vocation is a call to holiness. Only the states of life differ.

Some priests who are excellent confessors even prefer to give spiritual direction within the sacrament of confession. Combining the two makes for a longer stay in the confessional, but it can be fruitful. If you are having trouble finding a spiritual director, you may want to ask around to find out which priests in your area have a reputation for being wise confessors. You can then go to confession with them, and in addition to confessing your sins, you can also mention in the sacrament that you are trying to follow a program of spiritual growth. Then include as part of your confession the areas of spiritual work in which you have had difficulty in recent weeks. These difficulties may be imperfections (unconscious faults) more than sins, but by confessing them you express the delicacy of your love for Christ, and you give the confessor a greater understanding of the state of your soul. Then he will have a chance to give you solid advice and guidance before giving you absolution. You can use that advice to adjust your program of spiritual work for the coming weeks. In this way, your confessor can double as your spiritual director. The disadvantage of this arrangement, however, is the lack of time to converse. Often what is most helpful in spiritual direction is the focused conversation about spiritual things. Necessarily, the parameters of the sacrament curtail this kind of discussion.

Of course, the contrary situation also arises. Oftentimes, if one’s spiritual director is also a priest, it is quite natural to finish spiritual direction with the sacrament of confession. In this case, the priest will take less time to offer advice and encouragement, which has already been given in spiritual direction. The disadvantage of this arrangement (which is certainly not a requirement), is the tendency to dilute one’s awareness of God’s action through the sacrament, a penchant for considering, the sacrament merely as the frosting on the cake of spiritual direction, at least on a subconscious level.

Keep in mind the essential difference between confession and spiritual direction. If you do that, then the overlap of secondary characteristics, which can take as many different forms as there are people, will always enhance and never confuse your experience of both.

Yours in Christ, Father John Bartunek, LC

Icons courtesy of www.eikonografos.com used with permission.

Can someone be their own spiritual director? I have not been able to find a director… what should I do in the mean time?

Q: Father John, I haven’t been able to find a spiritual director yet (which is kind of frustrating). I am still looking, but what should I do in the meantime? Can someone be their own spiritual director?

A: This is a deeper question than you might think. First, continue to ask God to put you in touch with someone who can be your spiritual director. (If you haven’t read the post about how to find a spiritual director, you may find it helpful.) Judging by the surveys we have done on this blog, you are not alone. You can count on my prayers for this intention.

The second part of your question opens up some critical issues. Can someone be their own spiritual director? On the surface, the answer is obvious: of course not. The main point of spiritual direction is providing oneself with an objective point of view. As the old proverb puts it: no one is a good judge in their own case. When a quarterback is leading his team on the field, he can see a lot of what’s going on, but his coaches up in the box have a bird’s eye view of the whole field, and their input will usually mean the difference between victory and defeat. We all tend to favor our strong suits and ignore our weaknesses. This is true for musicians, athletes, actors… It’s a human thing. That’s why in all areas of expertise and growth, a good coach, instructor, or teacher is so necessary. They shed light on our blind-spots and encourage us to pay attention not only to what we want to work on, but to what we really need to work on. This objective point of view is all the more valuable because of the director’s larger share of wisdom and experience. In the 1981 Academy Award winning film, Chariots of Fire, based on a true story, the Olympic runner Harold Abrahams realizes that if he wants to win a medal, he can’t depend solely on his extraordinary natural talent and exemplary dedication. He has to find a coach. He does, and it pays off.

But there is another side to this issue. Even if we have a good spiritual director, that is no guarantee of spiritual growth. A medical doctor can prescribe a certain medicine to cure an ailment, but the patient then needs to take that medicine. A spiritual director can point out a path to greater spiritual maturity, but it’s up to each one of us to generously, perseveringly, and enthusiastically pursue that path. Spiritual direction is one of the tools the Holy Spirit uses to shape us into the saints he created us to be, but it’s only one of the tools, and its effectiveness depends primarily on our own sincerity, docility, and determination to seek an ever greater friendship with Christ.

So, if you are having trouble finding a spiritual director, you don’t need to worry about it. If you are making a reasonable effort to look for one, God will honor that, even if the search is a long one (God has his reasons). In the meantime, the Lord isn’t just twiddling his thumbs and checking his watch. Not at all! He is still the Lord, and he can direct you and guide you closer to his heart, if that’s what you really want. He offers us so many other means of spiritual growth – some might say too many! Here are a few questions you can ask yourself as you continue to pray for and seek a spiritual director:

• Are you going regularly (every 15 days is a good rule of thumb) to confession and preparing well for it?
• Is your Eucharistic life (frequent communion, Mass, and adoration) robust or anemic?
• Are you spending time daily in mental prayer?
• Are you reading good spiritual books (here’s a list just for those who have yet to find a director) and cultivating healthy friendships with other people who are also seeking to follow Christ more closely?
• Do you choose entertainment and relaxation activities that ennoble your soul instead of merely distracting your mind (good literature and art, contact with nature, rich music and intelligent films…)?
• Are you putting a respectable effort into finding ways to bring others closer to Christ, to build up your local Church?

All of these activities will build your friendship with Christ, and the Holy Spirit will speak to you and guide you as you pursue them, whether or not you have been able to find a good spiritual director or confessor.

So, in short, don’t give in to those feelings of frustration. They are a sign that you are eager to seek Christ, an eagerness that can come only from God. But they also may be a sign that you are a bit impatient, wanting God to go at your preferred pace, instead of patiently and trustingly following along at his (much wiser, even if more uncomfortable) pace.

Yours in Christ, Father John Bartunek, LC

PS from Dan: You can also find great tips for finding a spiritual director in our Spiritual Direction Index and in Father Thomas Dubay’s excellent book, “Seeking Spiritual Direction.”