How do I deal with pain from the past?

Q: “The truth is that we cannot remain prisoners of the past; people need a sort of ‘healing of the memories’ so that past evils will not come back again.”  My question arises from this quote. HOW, HOW do I make it so that the past evils not come back, when the Hurt is there. The Mistrust is there?

A: This question is relevant for all of us, because all of have wounds from the past, whether wounds caused by our own sins, or by others whose sins affect us.  Often, a vague understanding of how the healing process happens can cause frustration, and that can distract us from following God’s lead on a day-to-day basis, seriously hindering our spiritual growth.

Standing on the Right Foundation

In the case alluded to by this question, the origin of the past wound seems to with someone else.  The questioner has been hurt and, it seems, betrayed.  That reality is inhibiting them from hoping that the future can ever be truly joyful, healthy, and fruitful.  The pain and the fallout from the past betrayal has created an impenetrably black horizon, or so it seems.

The same experience can result from one’s own sins and betrayals.  Having fallen over and over again, having sinned grievously in relation to a crucial relationship or responsibility, or having culpably missed a God-given opportunity – these failures can sap hope and vitality as much when we commit them as when we suffer them.

In either case, God wants to pierce the dark horizon with his unconquerable light. And he not only wants to, he can. God is both all-good, and all-powerful: “And the light shines in darkness, a darkness which was not able to master it” (John 1:5).  We must consciously return to that conviction of our faith when we run up against this painful situation.  In prayer, we should express our faith in God’s goodness and omnipotence, and we should also express the depths of our sorrow and pain.  Look, for example, at Psalm 32 (for situations in which we are the ones who have failed), or Psalm 22 (for situations in which we are suffering because of the sins of others).  This is the foundation of supernatural hope: We know, by the sure knowledge of faith, that the hurt and mistrust we experience now is, in God’s plan, only a short part of the story, not the end of the story.

Having taken our stand on that foundation, God will usually roll back the darkness in one of two ways.

Two Paths to Heal Past Wounds

First, he can dissipate the darkness directly and quickly.  This happens.  Sometimes he grants an extraordinary grace in which the battered heart is renewed almost as soon as it has been wounded.  A memorable example of this was seen in John Paul II’s visit to the prison cell of his would-be assassin, Mehmet Ali Agca, in 1983, almost as soon as he was released from the hospital.  Later, the Pope also greeted and embraced the assassin’s mother.  The common and oppressive – and in this case even justifiable – darkness of anger and vengeance never even had a chance to take root in the pontiff’s heart.  Certainly, John Paul II’s long life of prayer and penance had created a spiritual maturity that allowed God’s grace to act quickly and decisively.  But even for less mature Christians, God in his wisdom sometimes grants quick release from darkness and hurt.

Second, and more frequently, God performs the healing gradually, and he allows us to be active participants in the process.  In this case, the spiritual wound, like a serious physical injury, requires time and treatment.  The treatment takes the form of grace obtained through prayer and the sacraments.  We not only need to ask for God’s healing in prayer, but we need to learn to reflect deeply and meditatively on the example of Christ – this is commonly called mental prayer.  At the same time, we need to approach the sacraments of confession and the Eucharist frequently and with supernatural confidence.

When God chooses to follow this second path, we usually face a couple temptations.  In the first place, we become impatient.  We just want the healing process to be over already!  And secondly, we can begin to rebel against God by refusing the treatment, through giving up on prayer and distancing ourselves from the sacraments.  But if God chooses to lead us along the path of time and treatment, he has his reasons.  He will use that path to heal other wounds too, wounds we don’t even know we have.  He will use it to help us grow in virtues that we don’t even know we need.  Throughout this long and painful journey, in other words, God is coaching us in hidden ways, helping us fulfill the dream for our lives that he has always had, even since before he formed us in the womb.  Along the way, it’s helpful to keep St Peter’s dictum in view: “But one thing, beloved, you must keep in mind, that with the Lord a day counts as a thousand years, and a thousand years count as a day” (2 Peter 3:8).

A Couple Practical Tactics

I can’t finish without mentioning two very practical tactics we can use to cooperate with God’s time and treatment: forgiving and giving.  Forgiveness takes place in the core of our being, in our will.  If someone has wounded us, we forgive them by praying that God absolve them from their sin and lead them to heaven.  If you wish someone would go to hell, you have not forgiven them.  This spiritual forgiveness can coexist with a lot of emotional pain, resentment, and anger.  Those emotions reside in a more superficial part of the soul, and they will gradually diminish, especially if you begin to pray for the person who has offended you.  On the other hand, if it is one’s own sins that are causing the darkness, this “forgiving” step takes the form of accepting God’s forgiveness.  This acceptance takes place at that core of our being, and can also coexist with tricky emotions.  But in our hearts, we know that God’s mercy is infinite, and infinitely capable of forgiving our sins: “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool” (Isaiah 1:18).

Giving is the second tactic.  It involves focusing our energy on living the here-and-now as God would have us, in spite of the pain, darkness, and interior storms.  Each moment, we know pretty well what God’s will is for us: being faithful to the normal, everyday responsibilities of our lives, whether it’s washing dishes or preparing for a board meeting.  By giving ourselves to these duties with a spirit of faith, and doing so because God wants us to and as God would like us to, we invest less energy in the past, the source of the darkness.  It’s like moving forward under a cloudy sky knowing that the sun is still shining above the clouds.  In other words, we can still make a decent effort to do all the good we can do here-and-now, even if the here-and-now happens to look a bit like a shipwreck.  And doing good is the best way to outsmart evil: “Do not be mastered by evil, but master evil with good“ (Romans 12:21).

Yours in Christ, Father John Bartunek, LC, ThD

25. Forgiving for Real (Mt 9:1-8)

“We ought to pity and love our enemies rather than hate and detest them, for they heap up evils on themselves but deserve well of us; they provoke God’s anger against themselves, but adorn us with the crown of eternal glory. We ought to pray for them; we should not be overcome by evil.”

- St Antony Mary Zaccaria

Matthew 9:1-8

He got back in the boat, crossed the water and came to his own town. Then some people appeared, bringing him a paralytic stretched out on a bed. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the paralytic, ‘Courage, my child, your sins are forgiven’. And at this some scribes said to themselves, ‘This man is blaspheming’. Knowing what was in their minds Jesus said, ‘Why do you have such wicked thoughts in your hearts? Now, which of these is easier to say, Your sins are forgiven, or to say, Get up and walk? But to prove to you that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins,’ – he said to the paralytic – ‘get up, and pick up your bed and go off home’. And the man got up and went home. A feeling of awe came over the crowd when they saw this, and they praised God for giving such power to men.

Christ the Lord 

Jesus has just exhibited his power over the effects of sin (sickness, natural adversity) and the instigator of evil (the devil). Now St Matthew completes the grand slam by showing how Jesus absolves us from sin itself.

The other miracles could be taken as signs that Jesus is merely a great prophet, but by forgiving sins Christ leaves no room to doubt that he claims to be much more. In the Old Covenant, only God could forgive sins, because every sin was a rebellion against God, a conscious refusal to adhere to the truth of life’s purpose as established by God. Furthermore, in the Old Covenant, this forgiveness could only be obtained through the ritual sacrifices in the Temple stipulated by the Mosaic Law.

When the paralytic comes before Jesus to be healed, the Lord goes to the root of the man’s true need and assures him that his sins are forgiven. The Jewish scholars observing the encounter are immediately suspicious of such a divine claim being made so unceremoniously by an upstart rabbi. Jesus acknowledges (but doesn’t validate) their suspicion, and then performs the miracle to show that instead of being blasphemous, his claim is true. He can’t make the actual forgiveness of sins visible, but he can make the paralytic walk, which certainly shows that he can do what he says – more than enough proof to allay their doubts.

Once again, Christ shows that he is much more than a wise philosopher; he is Emmanuel, God among us – the Lord of life and history.

Christ the Teacher 

St. Matthew points out that Jesus saw the faith of the people who brought the sick man to Jesus, not the paralyzed man’s faith, and this triggered Christ’s saving action. The paralyzed man was unable to come to Jesus on his own power. Others brought him to the Lord, and the Lord honored their selfless, faith-filled deed. How many people whose souls are paralyzed by sin and doubt need the prayers and charity of faith-filled Christians to bring them into contact with Christ’s saving grace!

St. Matthew also subtly explains why the Jewish leaders didn’t recognize Christ as the Messiah (notice that it is precisely here, at the crescendo of the series of miracles, where the opposition between those leaders and Jesus begins). They had already formed an idea of what the Messiah would be, and they left no room for God to outdo their expectations by coming himself. They had closed their minds; they were attached to their own ideas, their own standards, their own limited understanding – they thought they had God all figured out. It is a common failure among people who seem to be experts in religion. They think they know it all, and they end up missing God’s most wonderful surprises. But the humble folk who recognized their own limitations and God’s greatness were open to the awe-inspiring glory of Christ. The arrogant scribes went home angry and unhappy; the humble crowed went home rejoicing.

Christ the Friend

Jesus calls the sick man “my child,” and then happily and generously relieves the greatest burden of his life – the gnawing guilt of his violated conscience.

How glad Christ is to welcome us into his family! How eager he is to forgive us, to renew us, to enlighten and strengthen our anxious and tired souls! All we have to do is come to him with faith and admit our needs, our helplessness, our sins. The Tabernacle, an ongoing appointment that Christ never misses; the confessional, a failsafe loving embrace and perpetual fresh start; the Gospels, a fountain of truth and grace that flows without respite – a Christian can find peace of heart wherever he turns, if only he doesn’t turn away from Christ.

Jesus: Come to me and I will heal you, I will set you free. Come to me in the Tabernacle, in all my sacraments, in the inspired word of the Bible! Come to me when you are filled with joy, as well as when you are crushed with troubles! When you turn to me in your weakness and acknowledge in all humility your need, then my mercy can make you walk once more, can make your heart resound with true peace and joy. Let me reach into the deepest recesses of your soul, bringing light to the hidden crevices carved by sin.

Christ in My Life 

The world is full of so many promises, Lord. So many gurus and life coaches and therapists promise to show the way to peace and wholeness. But can they forgive sins? Only you can reach into the depths of my soul; only you can see even deeper than I can; only you can heal me and cleanse me and give me a new start. Thank you, Lord, for coming to forgive my sins and for giving me a new start, as often as I need one…

Certainly you have more that you want to do in me and through me. I don’t want to hinder you by stubbornly sticking to my own desires and plans if you are leading me along new paths. Your will, Lord, is beyond my comprehension; your plan is greater than I can imagine. Guide me, as you have promised to do, in spite of my selfishness and arrogance. Teach me to be humble, so I can be filled with awe and joy in the face of your wonderful deeds…

What do I enjoy most and value most about being a Christian and a member of your Church? So many things, Lord. Let me savor them… Thank you for those gifts, Lord. I know that your love for me is as vast as the heavens, though at times it’s hard for me to accept. I want to use your gifts and rejoice in them. Teach me, Lord, to do your will…

Yours in Christ, Father John Bartunek, LC

To learn more, or purchase “The Better Part – A Christ Centered Resource for Personal Prayer,” click HERE.

19. A CRITICAL EYE (MT 7:1-6)

“Today we must translate the words of Scripture into deeds, and instead of speaking saintly words, we must act them.”
- St Jerome

Matthew 7:1-5
‘Do not judge, and you will not be judged; because the judgements you give are the judgements you will get, and the amount you measure out is the amount you will be given. Why do you observe the splinter in your brother’s eye and never notice the plank in your own? How dare you say to your brother, Let me take the splinter out of your eye, when all the time there is a plank in your own? Hypocrite! Take the plank out of your own eye first, and then you will see clearly enough to take the splinter out of your brother’s eye. Do not give dogs what is holy; and do not throw your pearls in front of pigs, or they may trample them and then turn on you and tear you to pieces.’

CHRIST THE LORD

Jesus rules his Kingdom through charity, through self-forgetful love. In profiling how his disciples ought to think of and treat one another, Jesus gives us a glimpse of his leadership style. Christ has nothing stuck in his eye. He sees clearly all the sins, faults, and offenses of his subjects. And yet, he doesn’t condemn them. He constantly holds out his forgiveness, invites them to start fresh, helps them along the way, and hopes in their capacity for reform. He who could judge with perfect justice has mercifully delayed the judgment.

How self-contradicting we become when we rail against the delay! By condemning our brothers and sisters in thought and word, whether or not they deserve the condemnation, we despise the very mercy from which we have benefited so greatly. In thus separating ourselves from Christ’s standard instead of seconding his patience, we end up exposing ourselves as well to the sharp sword of justice: God has no choice but to measure us with the measure we have used to judge others, because we have scorned the only other measure – his mercy.

CHRIST THE TEACHER

Jesus seems to contradict himself. On the one hand, he commands his disciples not to judge others, while on the other hand, he commands them precisely to judge whether someone is worthy to be given the pearl of the gospel (in the early Church, this pearl, this “what is holy” was understood primarily as the sacrament of the Eucharist, which was – and still is – reserved to those who share completely the Catholic faith). The concept of discernment resolves the paradox: Christ is teaching his disciples to be men and women of reflection and discernment.

The Greek verb used for “judge” connotes “to judge harshly and condemn,” not merely to form an opinion (how can we avoid forming opinions?). Therefore, Jesus is really warning his disciples against thinking and speaking badly of others. Since only God can see the heart, only God can pass sentence on someone’s moral conduct. Certainly an objective action can be identified as good or bad, in accordance or not with the gospel and the natural law, but only God can see into the conscience of the culprit – we are blinded to this level of reality by the beam of ignorance and self-centeredness. Think of it this way: how easy it is for us to make excuses for our own faults and failings, yet how quickly we condemn the failings of others. Jesus is simply teaching us to be as generous in our thoughts and words about other people (family members, friends, superiors, strangers, celebrities, politicians, etc.) as we are with ourselves.

At the same time, Jesus calls for prudence. It is naïve to pretend that everyone is a saint (though it is true that everyone is called to be a saint). We are to avoid thoughtlessly exposing our lives, our faith, and the Church’s patrimony to the destructive malice of the enemies of Christ. You pray for and work to reform a criminal, but you don’t hire him as your babysitter. If we are to love the sinner yet hate the sin, we have to be honest about both.

CHRIST THE FRIEND

Following Christ’s standard of mercy, the standard by which he deals with us, involves forming the habit of reflection. Each of us has natural tendencies, some to be harsh and judgmental and others to be perhaps too trusting and unsuspecting. The mature Christian learns to balance these natural tendencies by taking time to reflect before speaking and acting, and by constantly examining his own conduct in the light of Christ’s wisdom.

Jesus: How I long to give you my love and wisdom! Yet I can only do so if you are open to receive them. Strive to love as I love. The more your heart is open to your neighbors, the more my grace and love will be able to flow into your soul. Think well of others, excuse their faults, speak kindly and generously about them, and you will see your heart expand. Then I will be able to pour into your soul the light and truth that will set you free.

CHRIST IN MY LIFE

Lord, why is it so easy for me to fall into the trap of useless criticism? In some circumstances and relationships especially I am always seeing faults and failings, and condemning them as if I were the perfect one. Jesus, have mercy on me. Be more merciful with me than I am with my neighbors. Give me the strength to be humble, to judge as you judge, with the light of your love…

Thank you for your unquenchable mercy. You are merciful because you are all-loving and all-powerful. Mercy is the strength of your love. Lord, I believe in you! I believe in your love! I believe in the power of your love to enliven the deadest hearts, just as you have enlivened mine. I want to be a walking advertisement for your goodness and mercy. Speak to me, Lord, and speak through me…

Lord, when I take time to reflect on your words and your example, I feel my heart engaged. I want so much to follow your path! It is time for me to change, Lord. Teach me to turn these good desires you have given me into actions. Teach me to be an effective ambassador of your Kingdom…

Yours in Christ, Father John Bartunek, LC

The post you just read is one of over three hundred units found in Father John’s book, “The Better Part – A Christ Centered Resource for Personal Prayer,” click HERE to learn more or to buy your own copy. This great resource also includes an very profound and accessible introduction on prayer and meditation.