Concern about seeking out and approaching a spiritual director? – Part II – Getting the first meeting set up

In our first post in this two part series we talked about the challenges and perspectives that can stifle our progress in taking the first step with a spiritual director. Now that you have prayed, read, and followed applicable advice, the next steps are easy. Don’t worry that you are not an expert or that you might forget or fail to handle each aspect of this relationship perfectly. This is not the time for timidity or scrupulosity – it is a time to get moving in the right direction. Here is a basic list of suggestions (we obviously assume that you have chosen the person you will seek direction from):

• Contact them and ask them for a 20 minute meeting to have a “brief discussion about your spiritual life.” You don’t need to be elaborate here – just be brief and to the point. Don’t despair if they don’t have the time – consider it a sign that you need to look for someone else.
• Prepare yourself for the meeting. Review the post “How should I prepare myself for a meeting with my spiritual director,” and do the work. Ensure that you limit your discussion to very specific goals or challenges you are facing.
• Arrive at least five minutes before your scheduled time.
• Be sure you have a notebook and pen in hand – and that the first page has a brief list of the two to five points you want to discuss.
• Write down and repeat back the direction you received during the last five minutes of your meeting. Ask your director or potential director if you have properly understood their advice. This indicates that you are serious and are listening – a worthy investment of time.
• End your appointment on time. Be careful to watch the clock if you tend to be gregarious and talkative. If you are obviously sensitive to their schedule, they will recognize that you value their time and will be more open to your next request. If you talk on and on and come in unprepared, be prepared for difficulty in getting follow-up meetings.
• Offer a donation at the conclusion of the meeting. It is normal to offer at least $20.00 to $30.00 for a 1/2 hour. Use your own discretion but be sensitive to the fact that they have given up valuable time to serve you toward Christ – an invaluable gift that deserves our tangible generosity in response.
• If all seems to go well, as you wrap up your meeting, ask if you can follow up later if you have more questions or need further insight. Ask your director what would be their preferred medium to do that (phone, email. or in person).
• When you meet again, as you open your meeting, review what they advised you to do in the last meeting and update them on your progress, questions, difficulties, etc.

With these tools in hand, your next step is to get on the phone and set an appointment. Regardless of the outcome, you are being obedient to the call of God. He will reward your courage and diligence and provide what you lack. In due time, I am sure that “He who began a good work in you, will bring it to completion…” (Philippians 4:9)

Seek Him – Find Him – Follow Him

Dan

Concern about seeking out and approaching a spiritual director? – Part I – Facing the challenge

Based on a good number of comments and poll responses over the past year, apprehension is a recurring obstacle to seeking spiritual direction. More than 500 of you have indicated that you desire, but are not yet in a spiritual direction relationship. All those who desire but do not yet have a spiritual director are in the same position – one of vulnerability. The following is an overview of common struggles and insights that you might find helpful in your quest:

• The area of our lives that is most important to us (our faith) is at a place where we obviously need help in order to grow. This can be a difficult and sensitive admission – especially for men.
• As committed Catholics, we typically hold priests in high esteem and struggle with the idea of encroaching on their already busy schedule.
• We are concerned that the relationship with the potential spiritual director remain positive and healthy (particularly if he is our parish priest).
• The process and nature of spiritual growth is an unknown. It is similar to heading into a fog – we are compelled to keep moving – but we don’t know what will come of our decision to continue forward.
• Some of us are worried about the orthodoxy of those who might be available to help us. We want competent guides and are worried that we might be led astray by those who are not faithful to the Church’s teachings and/or who are influenced by new-age or eastern spirituality.

Facing the Challenge

All of these, and many other factors make us hesitant to pursue spiritual direction. As well, St. Teresa of Avila clearly warns us that those seeking to deepen their spiritual lives will find a great many obstacles in their way. The enemy of our souls dreads nothing more than one who is fully immersed in Christ. We must be clear and resolute about our need for Christ and the critical assistance that spiritual direction provides us in knowing and following Him.

So, the first question is one of motivation. Are you ready to suffer whatever discomfort you may feel for the greater end of finding peace of soul and living life according to your ultimate purpose? If your answer to this question is, “yes,” then half the battle is already over. Be encouraged – you are unique in this world. God is calling you to Him, and you are listening. The rest is mere practicality and perspective. Here are a few basic ways to overcome these inhibiting emotions and issues:

Basic Steps in the Right Direction

1) Increase your knowledge and understanding of the spiritual direction process. Read the spiritual direction posts on this site and/or Father Dubay’s book and gain the vocabulary and perspective necessary to converse comfortably on the topic.

2) If you are concerned about the faithfulness or perspective of a particular priest, review the posts on this topic to better prepare you to deal with this difficulty.

3) Recognize that the care of souls, as with spiritual direction, is central to the call of a priest. Any good priest will be encouraged to discover and work with a soul committed to follow Christ.

4) Approach the spiritual director’s busy schedule with a practical respect.

In our next post we will talk specifically about how to approach getting the first meeting setup.

By the way, if I have missed any of the big items of concern or struggle on your list, or if there are others you would like to share, please do so in your comments on this post.

Seek Him – Find Him – Follow Him

Dan

How can I determine if a spiritual director is faithful to the church?

Q: Dear Father Joseph, I am hesitant to go to a local priest for spiritual direction because I am worried about his submission, or lack of submission to the Church. He is a good priest but he has made some confusing comments about abortion and a few political topics etc. Are there simple questions I can ask and a way to ask (that would not be offensive) to help me determine if a particular priest or lay person (a potential spiritual director) is faithful to the teachings of the Church? I don’t want to end up with spiritual mis-direction. This is all far too important to me.

A: Spiritual direction is a long standing tradition in the Church and an excellent means for growing in prayer life and in sanctity. Seeing our lives from an outside, objective source is a great way to know ourselves better so as to better ourselves more quickly and efficiently.

With that in mind, your question is a happy one because it shows the interest that you have in wanting to grow in your relationship with Christ. You are not satisfied with your present level and you are searching for a guide to help you to grow. I am sure that this desire comes from the Holy Spirit and will not go unrewarded.

The best recommendation that I can give you is one that St John of the Cross gives, and that is quoted in the Catechism of the Catholic Church in number 2690: “the person wishing to advance toward perfection should ‘take care into whose hands he entrusts himself, for as the master is, so will the disciple be, and as the father is so will be the son.’” In other words, look to put yourself into the hands of someone whom you admire for his personal sanctity and life of prayer.

In the formulation of your question, you hint at the fact that your priest may not be this person for you; you are hesitant and unsure about his doctrinal formation and preparation. This is not a good way to start a spiritual direction relationship. Perhaps the first thing you should do is get to know your priest better. Ask for an appointment to speak with him, or participate in a parish activity that allows you more contact with him. You will get to know another side of your priest that cannot be seen in a formal moment of preaching and that may dispel some of your worries (and hopefully not add to them).

When you finally do have that one on one meeting (that can be in or outside of confession), ask him about your problems and needs. Are his answers prayerful ones? Do they bring peace? Is there anything that doesn’t seem to chime with Catholic morals and doctrine? Does he recommend prayer and greater self discipline or self denial? Does he push you towards holiness? When you leave, do you feel challenged towards being more generous with Christ? I think that these are the types of questions you should have in mind regarding the holiness and preparation of that person that you have chosen as spiritual guide.

Lastly, in your question you mention that your priest has made some confusing comments regarding abortion and politics. St John of the Cross in the same aforementioned Catechism number also refers to learning, discretion and experience. Again, it would appear that you do not find these qualities in your priest. If you still think these are lacking after coming to know him better, it would be best to look for someone who corresponds more to your needs.

All Priests do not share the same gifts. Some are better at preaching than at direction of souls. Look for that priest in whom you most see the image of Jesus Christ. And pray for your priests – we all have a great need of growing in holiness so as to help our own souls and those in our care.

Yours in Christ, Father Joseph Burtka, LC

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