Many times, I unknowingly think about God’s fullness in incomplete terms. I forget just how glorious, rich, and deep His divinity is. Of course, I know that He is so much greater than my heart could ever fathom, but since He appears to us in the New Testament as the Word Made Flesh, He always appears in my mind as Christ in his human likeness, rather than as Lord of all, with both human and divine wills and natures fused as one.
So as I tried to fall asleep last night, this realization hit me, and I suddenly shuddered at the thought of dying and standing before my God- who is not just a man, but the eternal, powerful, magnificent, perfect, creator of all things, in every generation, past, present and future. He is holding everything into existence at this very moment. He allows for every breeze, every breath, every moment to be as He wishes. With one word, He can terminate the cosmos as we know it. He doesn’t have to keep the universe spinning. Nor does He need us. We do not add to God’s fullness. Otherwise, God wouldn’t be, well, God. He would be dependent on something else for His existence, and therefore wouldn’t be able to be the creator of all, requiring our love for his own sustainment and power. Thus, since God is entirely full and happy in Himself, He creates and sustains out of complete love.
How little am I, entirely dependent on His hand to keep me existing here on this earth. I did not create myself. Nor did my parents. They did not give me a soul and breathe life into me. They were simply God’s instruments for my creation. Moreover, I did not choose to be born. God willed it, for the sole purpose of uniting me with Him so that I could be happy. How, then could I even dare think that I’m worthy enough to stand before Him and say that I did all that I could to love and serve Him on Earth! How many times I’ve failed Him- out of laziness, tiredness, sensuality and pride. I can’t even begin to imagine how penetrating his gaze will be when He looks at me. He won’t just see me as I am, but as He imagined and created me to be, regardless of if I met those expectations or not. He will see all that I accomplished, all that I built up and all that I destroyed. He will reveal His knowledge of all of my thoughts and desires, spoken and unspoken. With all of this in mind, how then can I neglect the awesome wonders of God’s divinity when I think about Him?
This kind of meditation doesn’t always penetrate my thoughts everyday when I sit in prayer. I can’t always imagine how glorious God is. It comes and goes. I wish I could hold on to this realization more often, and keep it always present in the front of my mind, so that I remember my purpose in life, and the blessings and love that I am continually given. So maybe it’s my lack of imagination. Maybe I pay attention too much to the every day grind and forget where I’m actually going. Perhaps I’ll try this week to really focus on this small revelation of mine and look at all of the aspects of my life differently, so that Christ in His divinity is more present and real in my heart. Even though I am faulty, because of His mercy and the sacraments of the Catholic Church, I look forward to how glorious and wonderful and loving God will be when I die, if I approach Him with trust, mercy and a heart full of passionate love for Him.